Sunday, October 31, 2010

Trekkies Vs. Rennies: Why Medieval Nerds Are Superior to Space Nerds

There are many reasons why lovers of The Lord of The Rings are waaay cooler than lovers of Star Wars. The most obvious reasons relate to methods of ass kicking. Let's take a look first at weapons used by space geeks: Laser cannons, lightsabres, gigantic spacecraft with laser cannons, ray guns. All things that don't exist (at least as far as we know). Not to mention, how epic are those battles? One blast with a laser cannon and you're all disintegrated! But not to worry, because you have a Plasma Particle Energy Deflecting Forcefield of Doom! That's right, you just turn on that forcefield before the laser hits you and you're safe... I mean, what fucking fun is this? You get to just make shit up as you go along, because, you know, this is the future and anything is possible! Plus, most of the characters in these space things aren't even human, so they don't bleed, WTF kind of epic battle doesn't involve blood??

Now let's take a look at medieval weaponry. First off, it's real. It actually existed and, to this day, you can decapitate someone with a Battle Axe. And it's not point and shoot, it takes some mad skillz to swing a 60lbs. battle axe in the right manner to decapitate a moving target. And what happens when you decapitate someone? Copious amounts of blood. A headless human fountain of crimson delight (because, of course, when you chop off someone's head, they remain standing long enough for you to see this awesome display). War hammers, maces, swords, bows... And, to boot, there are about a hundred different variations of each weapon type, take swords: katana, dagger, broadsword, great sword, scimitar and my personal favorite, the Claymore. As far as large weapons of mass destruction? Oh it only gets better: Trebuchets, catapults (can your Death Star launch plague infected dead cows over a castle wall? I think not), pirate ships (nothing says badass like roughing it on the high seas on a rat infested hunk of wood, bravely manning out a storm). 


So that competition is easily won, let's move on to the chicks:


This:


















Or this:




































I rest my case.


Let's discuss cuisine. In medieval times, there were turkey legs, fruits, cheeses, these awesome sounding things call sweetmeats (Incidentally, if anyone knows what these actually are and would like to send me some, email me), cakes, pastries... What do space people have? Pills. They are far too evolved (and too busy fighting intergalactic space battles) to actually enjoy food, and the end result is all of your daily nutrients, vitamins and calories packed into one convenient little capsule, taste buds be damned. Back in the days that actually existed, you also had a plethora of tasty alcoholic drinks: grog, ale, meade, wine... Space people don't drink, it's not healthy and they might crash their giant ship into a planet causing it to veer off it's orbit into it's Sun, where upon said sun will explode creating a blackhole that will suck in the entire Universe. Drinking and intergalactic driving is a huge no no. Besides, space people, again, are too evolved to enjoy the unhealthy benefits of an alcohol induced stupor. (Can Aaamazzarites even get drunk?).


Speaking of Aaamazzarites, WTF is that? You just throw a bunch of letters together with a sticky keyboard and call it a race? No way, elves, orcs, faeries, dwarfs, wizards, hobbits, ogres and trolls are far superior races. And everyone knows what they are without Googling. Could you tell me what a Uxali is without the help of the Google machine? (Or how to pronounce it?) If you can, far from being proud of yourself, you should probably reevaluate your priorities in life and get the hell out fo your mom's basement.


As far as in modern times, well there is no competition. Go to a Renaissance Faire then go to a Star Wars Convention. Tell me which one you enjoyed more. Don't worry, I'll wait.................... See? No contest. 

6 comments:

  1. LOL my friends are crazy. At least 5 of you are running semi-political or just completely random sites that just make me laugh my face off every day now.

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  2. If you want to link me to the others, I will check them out and possibly add to my blogroll :-)

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  3. Perfection would be a picture of you holding a lightsaber. You'd be the pinup doll of the majority population. Remember, nerds now rule the world.

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  4. Ahh Miss T,

    are you sure you want some sweetmeats?
    They are of course a cunning way to describe 'Testicles', definatly not to be confused with candy!!!

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  5. Scotty drank and so did the Klingons (Blood Ale... nothing says MANLY like good ole BLOOD ALE)..... Capt Kirk and Capt Archer had some HOT green chicks...... and the meats of old were filled with maggots (teasty yet?) while they DO have tasty foods (yummy GMO shit...lol)

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  6. Neil, it appears that might be a more modern meaning. Back in the day, it seems sweetmeats referred to anything the preserved with sugar: http://www.thedessertcourse.com/sweetmeats.htm

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