Friday, October 29, 2010

Things People Do (or Do Not) at Work that Make Their Coworkers Want to Murder Them

1. Eat crunchy food that comes in a crinkly bag. Between your loud chewing (unavoidable with such foods) and the obnoxious crinkling noise of the bag, you are making people want to throw themselves off the nearest tall building. Save the chips for when you're sitting at home in front of your TV, fatty.

2. Chew anything with your mouth open. Gum, food, candy. Were you raised by hyenas???

3. Slurp, click, gulp or any other obnoxious and completely unnecessary action while eating/drinking. You're foul.

4. Breathe heavily. Whether you're breathing into a conference call, sitting at your desk sounding like you're getting off, or sighing loudly after taking a drink or whatever, IT'S CREEPY and ANNOYING! Learn breathing control so the rest of us don't feel like we're stuck in a horror movie waiting for Darth Vader to say "I know what you did at the company Christmas party...".

5. Clip your nails, clean your ears or floss your teeth at your desk. OK, sure, the occasional clip of a hang nail, filing of a broken nail or getting food out of your teeth is necessary, but don't groom yourself at your desk. Not to mention, the sound of nails being clipped is just disturbing in an office.

6. WEAR DEODORANT - I do not care what culture you come from, NO ONE should have to suffer day in and day out with the smell of B.O. It's foul, it doesn't smell natural or sexy or whatever your reasoning is, it's quite distracting if not nauseating and there is absolutely nothing the people around you can do to block it out (at least the noisy stuff can usually be counteracted by headphones blaring Disturbed while they are contemplating your murder). Smelly ass.

7. Talk in your pookie voice to your kids or significant other. Seriously, no one wants to hear that.

8. Use speaker phone - unless you use it to dial then pick it up. I don't care how important you think you are, no one wants to hear the messages you got from whatever VP about the great job you did or how much someone needs your help. Besides, you know you don't get those kind of messages anyway. In fact, you'll probably just end up getting something embarrassing and not be able to turn off the speaker before everyone hears your wife/husband saying "Honey, I just got back from the doctor. It IS herpes...".

9. Fart, burp or any other socially unacceptable bodily releases... If it slips, excuse yourself, but don't think that it's cool to just burp loudly every 15 minutes an say excuse me, you disgusting pig.

10. Drum on your desk. Need I say more?

11. Pound on your keyboard. Hitting the keys harder will not speed up your hung application, nor will it do anything besides annoy the people around you. If you're frustrated, get up, go outside and shoot yourself, or just learn to have some fucking self control you psychopath! (this would also apply to slamming doors, drawers or anything else out of anger/frustration)

12. Play loud music or radio shows... I don't care how awesome you think your country music is, I don't want to listen to it while I am working! If you're that deaf that I can hear it through your headphones, get a flippin hearing aid, gramps!

13. Eat other people's food. If your name is not on it, it's not yours. If there is no name on it, it still is not yours (unless it actually IS yours, in which case, put your name on it, retard). This applies to beverages too. That 12 pack of Coke Zero that says Trdomski? Not yours, you fucking thief.

14. Wear too much perfume. Ok, there is a rule about applying perfume: If you, yourself, can still smell it full force 20 minutes after you applied, you're wearing too much. If I can still smell it in the bathroom 15 minutes after you were there, again too much. In fact, one squirt is more than sufficient, really. You don't need to use half the bottle. In fact, if you'd take a shower, you may not feel compelled to use that much, dirt ball.

15. Make up stories and brag to seem cool. No one cares or BELIEVES that your credit score is 846, dude. If you're going to make something up, make it sound believable. If you are a 300 pound, balding, dirty, smelly, fat kid making $10/hour and driving an '84 Buick, no one is going to believe that 2 strippers came to your place last night and gave you a private show, jackass. And wash BETWEEN the rolls, PLEASE!

1 comment:

  1. I feel compelled to add a few to your list.
    16. If you have a personal phone call please just take it outside. No one wants to hear you explain to your significant other where to find the turkey in the freezer and how to prepare it, or if your dog has a puncture wound the size of your hand that is oozing puss. Also if you speak another language it is very distracting to try and focus on the matter at hand when you are invading my brain with some foreign mumbo jumbo, just stop it, it throws me off.
    17. Who are you trying to fool with all your typing? There is not a job out there that requires the kind of constant all day typing you do. Type...pause...giggle....type. You are not fooling anyone. Just do your job so the rest of us don't have to pick up your slack.
    18. Learn to have a normal conversation with someone, take a class on social skills, practice in the mirror I don’t care just stop being such a tree goblin and staring at my chest while you try to think of ways to impress me when talking to me in cryptic words no one understands. I get it, you think I’m pretty…I’m out of your league deal with it.
    19. When passing someone in the hall it is proper etiquette to say hello and not look at the floor acting as if you didn’t see anyone.
    20. Please refrain from name dropping when in meetings. You are not fooling anyone, no one here likes you that is pretty evident. Do us all a favor and shut up, we could care less who you know and who you blow.