Hot Bald Guys

Hopefully, by now, you have caught on to the fact that I have a thing for hot guys with luscious bald heads. "Thing" is an inadequate way to put it... More like ridiculously inappropriate obsession bordering on stalker-like. It's not that I have anything against hair. There are many very very hot guys who are not bald. They're just not as hot. See, I am a firm believer that only extra-hot guys can pull off a bald head. Most of those guys with hair would be totally retarded looking bald. And, if you're only hot because of your hair, well, you're walking a very thin line, my friend.

I prefer my bald men to have facial hair. There is no particular reason for this, except that I like facial hair. I also believe facial hair accentuates the baldness nicely. It's a contrast. I'm all about contrast.

To demonstrate why bald guys are hot, let's take a look at Mr. Clean, shall we?

Kinda hot. The white eyebrows don't do it for me and a goatee is needed, in Mr. Clean's Case:

Add a goatee and nix the white brows, and you have hawtness:

Mr.Clean with hair... not hot (kinda creepy actually):

Badass Pirate Mr. Clean FTW (he's still bald under that skullcap)!

Now let's look at some actual, flesh and blood hot bald guys. I am listing them in order of how badly I want to engage in acrobatic monkey sex with them:

1. Bruce Willis

Can I just reiterate how badly I want to lick honey off this man's head??

Bruce and I make one HAWT couple:

Nothing more needs to be said, except that maybe Bruce should file a restraining order against me so I don't attack him with acrobatic monkey sex. But he hasn't. You know why? Because he's hot for what I got. Yeah, that's right, he wants me and he is secretly hoping to bump into me one day so he can have the best sex EVER.

2. David Draiman

For those of you who have never experienced the hot baldness of the lead singer of Disturbed, I give you, David Draiman:

Not many dudes could pull off those lip piercings. David makes it look fucking hot.

He's even got the come-hither-so-I-can-do-bad-things-to-you look down to a science. RAAAAWR!

Dave (can I call you Dave? Or shall I just call you over for some hot acrobatic monkey sex??), please stop being so hot (no, actually, don't), I just can't take it. I'd like to strategically place those lip piercing in... Ok I am going to shut up now before this turns pornographic.

Right back at you, Davey-baby.

3. Jordan Page

Not only is he hot and a musician and bald, he's also a Liberty-boy. He's all Constitutional-Free Market-Individual Liberty and there really is nothing hotter than that:

Jordan is married, and not a main-stream celebrity, so I will show some respect and not solicit him for acrobatic monkey sex. He still rocks though.

And now he is one to check off the list :-) No, I didn't have hot acrobatic monkey sex with him, but I did meet him and he drew a hot bald guy in my CD case.

4. Tom Morello

It's hard to find pics of Rage Against The Machine's guitarist without a hat. He's a secret bald hottie (I totally just said "hottie", ugh... not cool).

My GAWD, Tom, lose the friggin hat, please! Look at that delicious baldness! Stop hiding who you are, chicks dig bald. I would totally have acrobatic monkey sex with you.

5. Aaron Lewis

Ladies and gentlemen (ok, probably just ladies), I give you: Mr. Aaron Lewis.

Now, those of you who know me, know that the only thing sexier than a hot bald guy is a hot bald guy with tattoos and piercings. And the only thing sexier than a hot bald guy with ink and holes is one who also has a guitar and can sing.

Aaron, Mr. Lewis, hotness... Can I be frank with you? (frank, not Frank, but you can call me whatever you want, baby). Get in my bed, right now, we're having acrobatic monkey sex. I won't hurt you, I understand you're a sensitive guy. I've listened to your band, Staind, it's obvious that you probably prefer slow, sweet "love making", but let's be real. This is a hook up, and I promise you won't be disappointed when it gets a little rough and/or acrobatic. Besides, you obviously dig pain. RAWR!

And because I can't think of any more hot bald guys, I did a search on The Google Machine for "hot bald guys". Please enjoy the random hot baldness:

 And guys, if you've made it this far, to thank you, I have included a Hot Bald Chick, enjoy! (Unless you're gay, then you've probably been enjoying this entire page and can skip the next one)

Me kissing the head of a lovely Irish gentleman in Las Vegas:


  1. haha... i love it. goatee coming up!

  2. Ahhhh... very nice... some more you might consider!

    Hot bald guy playing the part of the Hitman, Timothy Olyphant:

    And as it happens.... he looks pretty amazing WITH hair too:

    And then there is Vin Diesel:

    Chris Daughtry... Holy shit!

    And then there is Billy Zane, Patrick Stewart, Michael Jordan.

  3. I dont understand the whole Piercing and Ink look that has come to be the last 20 years.I find it ugly as Sin on both men and women.When it comes to what womwn find attractive I gave up figuring that out years ago,These guys here are repulsive to me,but I am hetero last I checked so I guess I dont understand.In general women I am convinced have a vastly different brain structure and optical process than males

  4. HAH! Now you know how we feel when you guys expect us to look like Playboy Bunnies and Victoria's Secret models =P

    I can't jump on the Vin Diesel wagon, sorry.

  5. Ha! Ha!
    I have ink and holes and a goatee...I did have bald and my wife went balistic saying I looked like a convict!!!

  6. Neil, you sound really hot to me. Maybe you were convicted of obstruction of justice because the cops couldn't stop hitting on you... Or something less stupid than what I just said.

  7. I know I'm late to the party here but I had to say I agree 100%!!! I'd like to add Billy Zane in Demon Knight & the guy who played Lex Luther on the show Smallville as honorable mentions. Mmmm.

  8. i'm hot too. and i have a lot of girlfriends with my bald head lol

  9. I never really thought about it. However I totally agree with you. A hot bald man with tattoos is very nice to look at. Maybe its the dangerous look? Women do love a bad boy!
    What do you think about Jason Hawes?

  10. here's my guy Tats pierced buff and beautifully bald