Tuesday, July 28, 2015

Real Texts - Office Edition

Note: If  you observe the timestamps on the emails, this is clearly old... I am, in fact, no longer employed (not because of this, but wouldn't that be funny (not funny-haha, of course)). I believe I did pblish this after it was written but took it down of my own accord after said "secretary" somehow stumbled upon it, during work hours, and complained to my boss, who, if I remember correctly, found it quite hilarious.

So my job usually fluctuates between insanely busy and mind-numbingly boring. In either case, I couldn't resist replying to this email from our Secretary... Wait, they don't like that word, do they? I'd call her an Administrative Assistant, but she really doesn't do anything, nor does she ever "assist" anyone. Mostly, she walks around the office with her stinky old lady perfume that she bathes in, makes a lot of noise and bothers us via email about RSVPing for company lunches and such. Anyway, I'll just call her Bozo, she has the hair for it...

From: The Clown, Bozo
Sent: Friday, April 20, 2012 10:07 AM
To: Pittsburgh
Subject: Snacks

The company provides a limited amount of snacks for us to enjoy, along with coffee and tea.  However, certain items - like the caramel cream candies and peanut-butter-filled pretzels - do not last as long as they should, which indicates that some of you may be pigging out (I have no idea who)!   Please limit yourself to just a couple pieces of candy or pretzels per day so that we can continue to provide snacks on a limited basis for everyone.

Thanks!

Bozo

Bozo The Clown
Administrative Assistant



From: Trbobitch
Sent: Friday, April 20, 2012 10:10 AM
To: The Clown, Bozo; Pittsburgh
Subject: RE: Snacks

How long exactly are we expecting them to last? Maybe we should come up with a formula for how many pieces each person can have per day so that they last the appropriate amount of time… Anyone found taking more than their share per day can be publicly humiliated by wearing a rubber pig nose the rest of the day ;-)


(Obviously said facetiously to demonstrate the absurdity of bothering hard working professionals with such ridiculousness)


From: The Clown, Bozo
Sent: Friday, April 20, 2012 10:18 AM
To: Trbobitch; Pittsburgh
Subject: RE: Snacks

Great idea, Trbo!  I’ll order one of these:  

[this was a picture of a pig nose mask]

I don’t actually keep very close tabs on it.  But when a big jar of regular pretzel sticks last several weeks and the peanut-filled ones are gone in three days – well, you do the math!

Bozo


(So I did the math... It's a 2.75 lbs jar of pb filled pretzels (pretzels are fairly dense/heavy). The distro for our office has 30 people on it. Assume 10 of these people work from home at least some of the time. That's 20 people taking a handful out of this jar on a daily basis... She's LUCKY it lasts 3 days)

And because I can't leave well enough alone:

From: Trbobitch 
Sent: Friday, April 20, 2012 10:20 AM
To: The Clown, Bozo; Pittsburgh
Subject: RE: Snacks

Buying the regular pretzel sticks sounds like a logical solution to me. Everyone can then bring their own jar of peanutbutter J


(What I really wanted to say was, if it stops these stupid emails from going out, buy the fucking regular pretzels!!)



From: The Clown, Bozo
Sent: Friday, April 20, 2012 10:22 AM
To: Trbobitch; Pittsburgh
Subject: RE: Snacks

It is a logical solution.  But when we all prefer the other kind, it kinda sucks that we have to stop ordering them because we can’t control ourselves!  However, if it comes to that, I can certainly order snacks that no one likes very much.  Problem solved : )

Bozo


(OH boy! Threaten the one other person besides you who cares enough about this to be scared that you won't order the peanut butter filled pretzels!! Give me a fucking BREAK!)

After some deliberation, H and I decided that Bozo, herself, is in fact the notorious pretzel thief. We came to this conclusion based on the following:

  • According to the other email respondents, no one knew these pretzels existed in our office.
  • One of these people has an office right outside the kitchen
  • On Bozo's desk is a jar filled with these elusive "carmel cream candies", Bozo's desk is actually in the reception area, which is a separate part of the building from where everyone else is.
  • Even though we supposedly have a "snack budget" - it seems that snacks are purchased sporadically. We have gone several months without any snacks in the kitchen from Staples. Either that, or they are purchased regularly and not put in the kitchen... hmmmm.
So I have solved the great mystery of the Pittsburgh Office Snack Thief, can I have a peanut butter pretzel???