The Trbobitch Guide to Dating

Preface: I am going to preface this because these are writings I did a long time ago. Damn near 3 years ago. I was newly divorced and even more mentally unstable than I am now. Basically, a walking atomic bomb with boobs. However, this is funny (and useful) shit, so I thought I would share it. I have painstakingly edited the posts so as not to implicate anyone. Besides, most of you didn't know me back then (or really don't even know me now) so you have no idea who I am talking about. That being said, don't make assumptions. Most of these guys I am talking shit on I have since made amends with and I plead insanity as my reason for writing mean things about them (most of which were gross exaggerations to demonstrate a point). In fact, let's pretend like this is all pure fiction.

I also want to point out that at many points, I was very unfair to these poor, purely fictional guys and I feel bad for it. I'm sure Karma will catch up to me eventually. So, if any of you read this and figure out who you are, just remember Karma, k? You don't have to exact revenge on me because Karma will. So please don't egg my house or tell anyone about my hairy ass, ok?

I have decided to start "dating", since I've never really done it before. Dating, by the way, is a very ambiguous term, in my opinion. I've signed up on a Personals site and thought it might be kind of cool to chronicle, not my actual dating, but my opinion and observations of peoples' behaviors in this whole process. I'll do my best to remain objective and not let my personal feelings about a situation skew my observations ;-)

I am speaking here from my own point of view, in regards to men and how they seem to handle rejection. I'd like to first define what constitutes dating vs. a serious relationship: First, if you've been with someone exclusively for less than 6 months, and haven't expressly stated that you are "a couple", then you're still testing the waters. This situation has the potential to be serious, but no certainty. If you have been with someone for several months and have expressly stated your intent to have a serious relationship, you're still in that "testing the waters" phase, I don't care how many times you thought "this is the one". Finally, if you have gone out on 2 or 3 dates, no matter what plans you made or how much fun you had, you are dating and the other person has free reign to see other people. I will be getting to how this relates to rejection in a moment.

Before I get started, I also want to define the 3 types of men, when it comes to rejection:

1. The silent one
2. The graceful one
3. The whiner
*** 1 can be 2 in some cases.
******There can also be a type 4. "the stalker" but that's too scary for me to even think about and these sites are supposed to be safe when it comes to that.

Vetting Process 
If you are going to date, you’d better have a good vetting process. Dating is very much like job interviewing. If you’ve ever had to interview someone, you know how painful this can be. They’re nervous, you’re nervous and throw the whole “I might have sex with this person” element in, and you’re a panic attack waiting to happen; especially if you are lonely and ready to be with someone. Do not let desperation cloud your judgment.

The most important thing to find out about a potential lover is whether or not they are psycho. How many times have you gotten into a relationship only to say, after it ends, “what the hell was I thinking? That dude/chick is psycho!”. Maybe they send you text messages every 5 minutes, “just to check in”. Maybe they drive past your house for no reason at 1:00 am.

The most important thing here is to be able to read the red flags. If he’s 30 something and has never had a job doing more than stock shelves at Shop N Save, you've got a problem. Here are some other red flags I have run into:

1. Childishness – this usually comes in the form of temper tantrums. In my case, they were never directed at me, but that’s not to say they wouldn’t have been eventually. They usually come in the form of throwing things, yelling, getting really pissed off very quickly. You will know when it’s occurring because you get a very uncomfortable feeling.

2. How he treats his mother – because if you’re not already, one day, you might be a mother. Remember this and think what you’d do if your kid said “fuck off” to you. Even if she’s a total deadbeat – because in that case, he should have the balls to just not have anything to do with her. Not to mention that having dysfunctional, deadbeat parents in and of itself brings its own set of dangers.

3. His parents are rich – you’d better make damn sure you’re not dating a spoiled brat, because he will be a royal pain in the ass when he doesn’t get what he wants.

4. You don’t find him physically attractive at all, but think you can look past it because of his wonderful personality – it sounds shallow, but it’s really not. You’re going to be having sex with this person possibly for the rest of your life. The awesome personality will eventually lose its charm, and unless you only plan on spending time with him in the dark, you’re gonna be left with a guy you’re not attracted to. That’s not to say that you shouldn’t look past physical flaws, you don’t have to be a perfectionist, but just make sure you can stand the thought of having sex with him.

5. He disappears for days at a time and you can’t get in touch with him – This is a biggie. At best, he’s seeing other chicks, or married… At worst, he’s involved in some shady shit. Unless he has a reason and tells you ahead of time, this is a huge red flag. This only applies if you are actually dating steadily, don’t become freaky stalker chick and need to know his every waking movement after the first date.

6. He cancels on you, a lot – this can go along with number 5 and really needs to be examined. If you made rock solid plans, and he doesn’t show up, he’d better a. call you asap and let you know what’s going on and b. have a damn good excuse. I dated a guy in high school once that acted like he was totally in love with me, but he would make plans with me and never show up. To this day, I have no idea what his deal was… If he always has more important things to do, he’s probably not worth your time. Nothing worse than a guy who keeps you around for his own convenience.

7. He is always on his phone when he’s with you – texting, taking calls. Your time together the first few times is supposed to be savored, you’re supposed to be getting to know each other. If he starts treating you like you’ve been dating for a year, lose him. Especially if he takes calls in private and never mentions who it was. And come on, even if he does, you can tell when someone is lying. It just has player written all over it.

8. All of his pictures are him surrounded by random women – just don’t even go there, don’t even give it a second thought. In the age of photoshop and digital cameras, there is no reason the “only” pictures he has show him flanked on either side by females.

9. It seems like all he wants is sex – that’s probably because all he wants is sex.

10. He’s all talk, no action – he tells you he’s going to take you on a cruise, you’re going to take dancing lessons together, he’s going to help you clean the garage, he’s going to meet your parents “when the time is right” (then 6 months go by and your mom is still calling him “loverboy”). It’s ok if you make plans together and they don’t pan out, but if he is promising the world and can’t deliver Domino’s, it’s time to cut your losses. Unless you like being disappointed, in that case I can hook you up with a few guys…

11. Gut feeling – never discount your instincts. Chances are you can smell when something is wrong and, if you’re like me, 90% of the time you ignore it. Now, I am not saying every time you get a “bad feeling” to dump a guy… Just keep your eyes open and your wits about you till you find out more about him. Do not let yourself get swept up and fall for him, because your instinct has a better chance of being right than it does of being wrong.

Aside from the common red flags, you may have some that particularly apply to you and what you are looking for. The thing that has helped me is to make a list of “deal breakers”. These are qualities that are just absolutely not acceptable for you. For example, some of mine are:

1. Nasty teeth

2. Speaks Ebonics (no, it’s not racist, plenty of lovely black men don’t speak like they’re from the hood)

3. Hates kids

4. Is allergic to cats/dogs

5. Wants to live in the city

6. His car is the most important thing in the world to him

7. Doesn’t have a job and isn’t looking or can’t hold a job

8. Likes to sit around all day and watch TV/play on the computer

9. He isn’t respectful to his mother

10. Shows any signs of being controlling

11. Has a child (or children) and does not see them or pay child support

Those are a few, my list is fairly long and these are things I will not make exceptions for. I have in the past and it got me nowhere. I think one of the most crucial things is dating is to make this list of things you will not put up with, but be totally flexible with everything else (If he doesn’t have blue eyes, but is otherwise perfect, you can deal with hazel). The best thing is, you can be as picky as you want and even add to the list if you run across something during the dating experience.

Return On Investment 
Dating for me was supposed to be dating. JUST freaking dating. I guess it’s never that easy. Some people do it and I don't know how. In the short time I have been doing this, I have encountered many, many dilemmas.

I have whole posts about rejection. I really never thought it would be that hard. I guess I figured it’s either there or it’s not. I do not like to hurt people or make them feel bad. At the same time, I don’t pity date. I try to be as honest as possible without being cruel. Some people don’t take the not-so-subtle hint right away, then end up getting pissed off at you. Nothing you can do but forget it and move on. Those who are worth keeping as friends won’t behave this way.

Another dilemma goes back to the guy that just doesn’t get it. But, this one REALLY doesn’t get it. My take on it is that he thought he might pull the sympathy card. Again, I don’t pity date. It’s not good for anyone involved. However, I’m not such a bitch that I don’t get suckered into playing fucking therapist… Oh yes, I kid you not. The same guy who I’ve never had a real conversation with that gives me status updates on his entire life just recently decided to unload all his issues on me, after I told him I wasn’t interested in going out with him. He still contacts me, I try to keep him at arm’s length, but I don’t want to totally diss him and add to his issues. I know, I know, it’s not my problem, but still… I feel there are times in our lives when we’re put in a certain situation for a reason. If my words can keep someone from fucking up their life, I would be a total asshole not to share those words.

Unfortunately for me, I am not a casual person. As much as I have tried to, I cannot turn my feelings on and off (though I have had them shut off on me for no reason). I figured I would go out with a few guys, maybe one or two on a regular basis, then, eventually I’d find the one who was right for me. I thought it would take time. I wanted to take things slow, do it right, not get sucked into something too quickly. I dated a few guys and I thought this would work out perfectly. How wrong I was. I did not expect those feelings to just, boom!, click on. Honestly, I am still a little apprehensive of it, I don’t want to keep fucking up over and over again. You can go 2 ways, you can fight feelings for the sake of taking things slow, or you can give in to the passion and risk wrecking a potentially good thing because you went down the road at 100 MPH.

This last boyfriend really jaded me. I thought I felt all these things for him - maybe I did really feel them or maybe I was projecting what I had wanted my marriage to be on the first sucker that came along… Either way, I woke up one day thinking ‘what in the holy hell am I doing with this guy???’ Because I still don’t know why it happened, I am terrified that it will happen again and I know I can’t go the rest of my life getting into 6 month relationships over and over. I don’t know what I want; I don’t know how to tell if I do find it… I don’t know what the fuck I am doing!!! It’s like this constant head vs. heart conflict – head says, “don’t be stupid and move too fast”, heart says “go with the passion”. What do you listen to?

This leads me into a third dilemma, one I did see as having a real possibility to occur. Two awesome guys, but one has just a little something the other doesn’t - the chemistry, the passion… but the other is by far the “safer” choice. What do you do? The advice I have gotten after running this potential scenario by some friends is to keep dating them both. Until when??? I mean, eventually you gotta choose. Besides, I would feel guilty all the time, especially if there is real potential for either (or both) to become quite serious. You can’t stay with both up until that point. I know, most people say “wow, what a dilemma to have, two gorgeous, kind, sensitive, charming, witty guys that you get along great with! That’s a real shame!” It is, it really is, because a choice has to be made and it’s hard to hurt someone you have feelings for, even if it’s still just at a friendship level. I told myself, if the right one came along, I’d know, and there would be no question. I feel like I know, but I also feel like it’s too soon to know.

When I get down to it, I don’t really think there has ever been a question in my mind as to who I would pick. I mean, ultimately, the amazing chemistry is so much more worth it than the “safe” option, but that doesn’t make it any easier to let the other guy down. I know if I took the safe option, I’d probably spend the rest of my life wondering what could have been. Feelings that come on the quickly don’t come from nowhere. Guys you can have excellent conversation with, find completely intriguing, have amazing chemistry with and find totally irresistible do not come around very often…

My biggest complaint about my last boyfriend was that he bored the living hell out of me. Sometimes you can’t go through life always picking the safe option. Higher risk can yield a much larger return on investment. I think sometimes you have to go aggressive and leave the bonds for the wimps.

Rejection Part 1: Initial Rejection 
Let's first start with how people handle initial rejection. I have not dealt with this in an "in person" situation, so I will relate it to my experiences online. These dating sites are set up so that people who are interested in you can contact you. Depending on whether they are a subscriber, they can either send their own message or a short "one liner" to let you know they are interested. So they send you this message, you scope out their profile and decide whether to pursue it further. Now we get to the rejection part: when you delete someone's message, you get the option to send a "courtesy reply". Things like "sorry but our age different is too great", "thanks but I don't think we're a good fit, take care". This should be the absolute end of any contact with that person.

Here we get to the types. Type 1 never contacts you again, in this circumstance, they can be considered a type 2 as well. Type 2 may also reply with something like "good luck to you" or "thanks for letting me know, take care". Type 3 (if they are a subscriber) will send you some message like "Can I ask why yuo are rejecting me when you don't even know me". Where you reply "Because this site makes it so I get a pretty good snapshot of what kind of person you are, you can't spell to save your life and I am not in the least bit attracted to you. Not to mention, if I gave every single person on here who contacted me a 'shot' because maybe they are a 'nice guy' I'd have dates lined up until I'm 30. Thanks have a great day".

He may then become a type 1, but he will usually continue this ridiculous volley until you call him out on the fact that arguing with you and calling you shallow is not going to make you want to go out with him. In which case he then tries to be a type 2 and tells you he wishes you all the luck in the world. Too late to save face and be graceful, buddy, you've already proved you're an ass.

Rejection Part 2: Rejection After Contact, Before Actually Meeting
In this situation, someone contacted you (in case you haven't noticed, I let them come to me), you checked them out and they seemed like someone you might want to hang out with. This usually leads to a few emails via the personal site and eventually instant messages; in some cases the exchanging of texts and/or phone conversations.

You start talking to this person and realize, wow this guy is a tool. Maybe he just has nothing to say, maybe he's completely obnoxious and makes you uncomfortable or maybe he gives you status updates on his entire life before you've ever had any type of actual conversation with him. Whatever it is, you know you do not want to go out with him.

So what do you do? Well, if he's being a total ass, completely inappropriate or he just gives you the creeps; ignore him. Block him from messenger, don't reply to emails or (God forbid you gave him your number) texts/calls. If he is brazen enough to be that much of a jerk, then he does not deserve the courtesy of being told he's being rejected. You may also want to use this approach if you are fairly certain that he will be a type 3.

If he seems like a nice guy and maybe just a little too quiet for you, doesn't share important interests or is maybe just a little misguided (read: the guy who gives you status updates on his life), he deserves to know you don't plan on pursuing him. A good way is to tell him you've met someone and you want to see where it goes. Or, you can be brutally honest and tell him he's not your type. You can take that one step further and tell him exactly what he did to push you away. I ONLY recommend doing this if he asks and you feel comfortable sharing. Doing this will almost guarantee you a type 3 reaction. If he turns into an insufferable type 3, just follow the steps in the preceding paragraph and ignore him.

You may be tempted to use the ignoring method for everyone. This isn't fair. Most people do it because they are afraid of the type 3. Give him a chance to be a type 2. If someone has been cool with you and you decide for whatever reason you're no longer interested, you need to be cool with them and tell them. You might even make a friend you can bitch about dating with.

Rejection Part 3: Rejection After Going on a Date or Two
A lot of this one will be guess work for me. Being that I've only gone on a few dates since I've started doing this, so I don't have much experience with this type of rejection. I'll come up with a few scenarios and how I think the best way to handle them would be:

The "fake" or "photoshopped" pic dude: This is the guy who usually lists himself as "Thick" or "A few extra pounds". You see his pics, he looks cute - nice white teeth, clean, NOT wearing a John Deere hat. He walks into the bar, with his Nascar hat, flannel with the sleeves cut off and you would probably classify him as "Large" if not "Obese". To boot, he stinks and his teeth are foul (ok, ok, I am coming up with the worst case scenario here, my worst nightmare). Personally, I'd totally call him out on it: "Hi, gee you look a lot different than your pictures". After shaking hands, excuse yourself to the bathroom and wash for at least 60 seconds with soap and HOT water. If he didn't take the hint from your comment, you have 2 options.

1. Fake an emergency; this is easy for me because I have kids. You can easily take a few sips of your beer, feign the cell phone vibrate, look at it and freak out. "Oh my God, I have a family emergency, gotta go, nice meeting you". And because he lied, stick him with the bill (I recommend always showing up early and getting the most expensive drink possible, if he's cool you can split the bill).

2. Be brutally honest. I am usually pretty good at this but it depends on my mood. If he totally deceived you, I highly recommend this option so he thinks twice about doing it to someone else. You could say something like "I think I'm going to have to end this. You see, I don't really appreciate liars and it would be silly at this point to waste my time with someone who can't be truthful about themselves from the get go". Now hurry up and walk out before he becomes a type 3. This is also yet another reason why it is always crucial to meet in public places for first dates.

Second, we have the guy who has absolutely nothing to say. I call these "Cavemen". They are usually pretty good looking, almost always fairly buff and they don't have a whole lot going on upstairs (kind of like the male version of beauty queens). Now, you should have talked to this guy before hand or gained some sort of insight into the fact that he's not exactly a conversationalist. Maybe you just thought he was shy and would warm up after being in the presence of your charm. WRONG! These guys really don't have much going on upstairs. This might be OK for some women, especially if the guy makes money (which is highly unlikely), but I like to have conversations. Intelligence is right up there with not having nasty teeth for me. Your best bet with these guys is to finish the date, have as much fun as possible, even if you have to make your own - maybe chat with the bartender. Afterward, just kinda let it dwindle. He might contact you, you can be courteous, but don't commit to any future plans. He'll forget about you quickly, he was probably only looking for an easy lay anyway.

Next, there is the creep. Once again, probably good looking, also probably makes decent money. At first he may seem like the dream guy, until you really get to know him. These guys are usually shallow tools, I've known enough of them. They do one of two things (or both, ah!) - talk non stop about themselves and don't let you get a word in edgewise and/or start putting the moves on you hot n heavy before you even order your first drink. A good bit of them are usually salesmen, so of course, their #1 objective is to try to sell themselves. Unfortunately for them, if you were looking to buy something sleazy you would have stayed home and shopped on They usually brag about how much money they make, their car (read: penis extension), or their totally awesome profession (usually military or public servant – cop, ems).

Some go as far as to ogle you the entire time, talk about how much they want to take you back to their hotel room or even go as far as to start touching your leg (or worse – that definitely earns a drink in the face along with a slap – again, very important to be in a public place). So, if he’s that type and earns that reaction, you’ve successfully ended the date, and it’s 99.9% certain he’ll never try to contact you again (bruised ego). Always make sure you specify to these types that you are a member of the NRA and active in several Second Amendment support groups.

If he’s just being an ass, cut the date short after dinner or whatever and just ignore him going forward. Again, this type can’t deal with a bruised ego and will eventually give up and move on to the next unsuspecting victim. They will usually end up finding the Beauty Queen type (if they make money) or just some chick with not a whole lot going on upstairs.

Last, you have the bad kisser. Everything goes great, you get along well, you find him attractive, he at least makes an effort to pay the bill (I usually try to grab it first so we can go dutch). He definitely deserves a good night kiss. So it happens and he: a. has horrible breath, b. tries ramming his tongue down your throat, c. has roaming hands or d. it’s just not doing it for you. I’m not one to end a good thing because of something like this. Sexual compatibility is important, but sometimes it doesn’t come (hahaha) right away. I would recommend giving him a second chance. For bad breath, you probably ate the same thing he did so your breath is probably kickin’ too! ALWAYS carry Listerine strips and gum and offer him one after you take one when you’re done eating. If he doesn’t take it, he’s probably an idiot and you should find someone else. For the tongue rammer, you just have to train him – the harder he kisses the more you pull away and become gentler. Hopefully he’ll catch on. If not, you can always have a candid conversation with him after you’ve been seeing each other for a while. For roaming hands: If it’s really bad, it means he’s probably an asshole and just trying to get laid. You can try redirecting his wandering hands (after all, who could resist, and he is only a man). If he doesn’t take the hint, he’s definitely a jerk, see “the creep” above.

If you’re lucky, you’ll get the guy who is good looking, pays for everything, can hold a good conversation and doesn’t kiss you like he’s trying to eat your face. I should say if you’re VERY VERY lucky. Don’t hold your breath, cause I’m still looking for him.

Rejection Part 4: Breaking Up after a Few Months
I am only adding this because I’ve had a recent experience with it and I want to tie in everything since my divorce. It’s my belief that after sleeping with someone (barring a one night stand) you’ve gone to the next level and become exclusive. This is because I just can’t bring myself to have an active sexual relationship with more than one person (believe it or not I do have some moral standards!). I have to apologize in advance if this one isn’t quite as entertaining as the rest.

Let me start by saying – never go into ANYTHING by making a commitment right off the bat. This usually happens when you start dating someone you have known or been friends with for a while. Also, make your intentions very clear – you’re dating, nothing is serious until you are ready for it to be and that should be a mutual decision that is discussed between the two of you. I think the biggest problem we run into with relationships is lack of communication. Ok, yeah, everyone says that, we all know it, but do we really try? See, we read all this stuff about relationships, but we never really take it in or apply it. I went through 6 years with someone without ever really knowing how to talk to him and both of us expecting the other to be a mind reader. So if you’re not comfortable talking to someone, forget it!

Speaking of rushing into things, remember that sometimes you are blinded by infatuation. This happens to everyone. I don’t care who you are, I don’t care what kind of “connection” you have with this person. When they say love is blind, they are really talking about infatuation. A good deal of infatuation has to do with you and not the other person. Believe it or not, you can actually paint a picture in your head and turn someone into that ideal person. Only months later will you go “holy shit, who is this person???”. You might think you were deceived, but you were only deceived by your own mind. This is why I recommend going into to everything with caution. Yeah, it might not be a whole lot of fun not letting yourself get swept away by romance or whatever, but you’ll be happier in the long run for it. That’s not to say that connection you feel isn’t real, but you have to give it time, months, to let the dust settle and make sure it is what you really think it is.

So, first lesson in breaking off a relationship that has gone to the next level (4-6 months-ish) – never,ever, EVER do it over text messages or any other shitty form… Give the person the courtesy of a phone call. If you get the feeling they are a type 3, do it somewhere intimate yet public. That way, if he causes a scene, you are covered (hell, you might even meet a knight in shining armor that rescues you from his tirade ;-) ) 

At this point in a relationship, he might still be in the infatuation stage, so be prepared for some whining and bitching. A great technique for handling the guy that just won’t go away, and wants to “talk about it”, aside from just flat out telling him he is a loser, is to tell him, convincingly, that you are clairvoyant. No, I am not kidding, seriously. Tell him all mysteriously that you have never told anyone before but sometimes you have these crazy visions and you know it just won’t work out and you are saving a lot of pain for both of you. He will, of course, ask what this vision was; this is where you act all offended like “look I already shared something with you that I don’t tell many people, the rest is private.” Hopefully, he’ll think your nuts and not want to date you. If not, just be insistent that your visions are very real, and he really needs to trust you on this one.

After the deed is done, be prepared for a lot of push back. He’s not going to be happy (if we was still into you) and the natural reaction is to fight and argue. Then, he might get to the “I don’t need you phase”. IGNORE HIM, completely and totally. If he sends you a friendly text message, respond with something vague but not standoffish. He may then try so hard to prove he is over you that he will “like” your changed relationship status and leave weird comments on your FB updates. Again, ignore him. If he starts getting really creepy-stalker, have a friend comment. She (or he) could say something like “creepy” after one of his posts to you. The key is subtle but enough to get the point across. If he hasn’t de-friended you by now, take him off your friends list and block him. Freaking weirdo…

Relationship games
So in my new, non-jealous mindset, and having been back to the dating scene, I have made it my goal to try to figure out the dating games that people play. The primary observation I have made is that everything revolves around jealousy. You see this much more easily when you are not jealous, because you recognize just how ridiculous people act.

So you read in Cosmo or Maxim or whatever that the opposite sex doesn't like a partner who is insecure. This is definitely true. Insecurity is so fucking annoying. I am not here to stroke your damn ego. I want to know I have a catch, I don't want to hear about how the last 5 girls you dated broke up with you and you think I'll do the same.

Now, what you need to realize, is that insecurity and jealousy do not go hand in hand. Your partner wants you to be jealous. Why? I would venture to guess it's because it shows you're worried about losing them. The hard part is, that you can't really display jealousy without being insecure.

Take me for example, when I was with Dickfur, I was extremely insecure. I got mad any time he went out without me because I was afraid he'd easily find someone better than me. Post Dickfur, I know I'm a catch, so I don't really give a damn. I dated one guy who could see my confidence and I don't think he was too into it, even though he was totally into it, if that makes sense. The problem was that he was insecure. When I started dating him I told him I was seeing other people and didn't plan on settling down any time soon. He said "I'm glad you told me that, because I normally date one person at a time but now I know I can go sleep around". I said "ok, that's cool, just wanna make sure we're on the same page".

You could hear the incredulity in his voice. It was fucking fantastic! At this point, it was a game to me. This guy was a creep who had no respect for my personal space, but I wasn't really seeing anyone else on a regular basis at the time and the person I was seeing didn't really like to go out. Creepy guy liked to party, so party we did. Inevitably, every time we were together he threw out something about some hot chick propositioning him, and my reaction was always the same "dude, go for it!"

Every interaction you have with another person is based on their expectation of your reaction. What people say to you, for the most part, is intended to get some sort of reaction from you that they have already preconceived in their mind. When you don't give them that reaction, the fun starts. They are thrown for a loop and it's just hilarious. At least when it comes to dating.

So you say, "Amanda, you cruel bitch, why would you toy with these poor men?" Please understand that dude deserved it. I won't go into details, but let's just say he had no concept of boundaries and I certainly wasn't going to be one of his little whores. I'm not playing hard to get, I'm just not that easy. If I wanted to hook up, I would do so with someone I already know and trust, not some heavily cologned, fake baked, gold chain wearing douchebag.

Anyway, back to the point. And I will venture to say this applies, generally, to both men and women. People are attracted to others because of confidence and the promise of low maintenance. When they get that person, however, who shows no jealousy, they then become insecure. Jealousy is supposed to show that you "care". To me, trust shows that you care, or maybe you really just don't give a shit, like in my case. Regardless, it's still better than dealing with someone's jealousy, I don't have time for that and neither do you.

I will also tell you, when I broke it off with gropey guy, I told him exactly what my issue was with him and to this day, he now has tremendous respect for me. He's still a bragging, egotistical ass, but he no longer dares to put his hands on me.

Then there's the current boyfriend. It really kills me because he's such a nice guy and I feel like one of those stupid bitches that doesn't like the "nice guys". But I swear to god he's gay! He buys me stuff, takes me places, takes care of me, but he's also incredibly boring and clingy. I don't know what it is about him, or maybe it's just our chemistry... Normally, I would be flattered if my boyfriend texted me on his breaks (not in a "where are you, why aren't you answering me???" kind of way) and did things for me without being asked. He comes off as, I dunno, desperate...?

He does the same crap where he talks about other girls in an obvious attempt to make me jealous. He even went so far as to openly flirt with and hang all over another chick at my coworker's party. I wasn't jealous, I was pissed, because he made me look like an ass in front of my friends. And if you're going to flirt with someone else and make me look stupid, at least make sure she's better looking than me!

I once ran the idea of a threesome past him, without actually proposing it and he flat out refused. Seriously?!?!?! I mean, it's not cheating if you're both participating, and isn't that the ultimate display of trust??? He doesn't watch porn - not that I am necessarily complaining, but I do think he missed out on some learning opportunities. So, in other words, he would have been the perfect guy for me to get with before my post-Brandon mentality. All this stuff now makes him completely unappealing to me...

I think it comes down to we want a challenge. At the same time, we want security. Maybe if I found someone who was physically attractive to me that could challenge me mentally, I'd be satisfied... I'm not sure, because I have never found an attractive guy who is on my level. I'm not a rocket scientist, and the current boyfriend was a physics major (something I would fail miserably), but I am deeply intellectual. You don't have to be book smart to be an intellectual, you just have to know how to listen and have the ability to form your own opinions. Unfortunately, too many intellectual men are indifferent to sex or not attractive. Why can't you be both dammit!?!?!?!

Anyway, the conclusion I have come to is that you have to be completely confident, but show just the right amount of jealousy to let your partner know you care. Or, if you're lucky, you'll find someone with my mentality who thinks jealousy is a waste of time. If you know any guys like that, who don't cheat, please give them my number ;-)

Love Vs. Money
I have come to the conclusion that love is overrated. Although some would say the same about money, I personally love to shop. I also like to travel. I don't need someone to go shopping or traveling with me, I just need someone to pay for it!

Hah! So I always said that if Brandon and I ever got divorced, I would marry for money. So the problem I have run into is that I seem to attract poor guys... WTF? I guess I'm not trophy wifish enough to snag a really rich dude, but I would like to think I am at least worthy of upper middle class...? Maybe I'm just too much of a bitch.

Don't get me wrong, if love came along I'd probably take it, but I think I gave up on that notion a long time ago. I think you have 2 stages in a relationship: Infatuation and tolerance. I could be wrong, but I doubt it. Inevitably, that person you regarded so highly eventually does nothing but get on your nerves. Now, if he's bringing home 6 figures, your tolerance level is much higher.

Don't get me wrong, I have no qualms with working and bringing home my own bacon, but I'd rather not also be the person frying it up in the pan. Not to mention, I really haven't gotten into the booty call thing and BOB doesn't always cut it on those lonely nights... I've already come to the conclusion that love doesn't last, but marry a doctor and the money is a rollin' in!

Yes, I've reduced myself to Anna Nichole Smith levels, but I really don't give a crap at this point. I am quickly approaching 30 and I really don't want to get into management - which is the only way to make really good money in my field. The next best thing would be to find a sugar daddy! Free vacations, shopping sprees, steak dinners, not to mention a maid to clean up the house! Love is so totally overrated! All you gotta do is give yourself over once a week... It's not prostitution if you're married!!

Plus, if he goes and fools around, which they all do at some point, you don't love him so you won't care! And if you get a little jealous? Go buy yourself a tummy tuck! You may not be 20 any more, but enough botox and you'll look like it! Or you'll look like the cryogenically frozen joker... Whatever, just take a trip to Aruba to console yourself! If it comes down to it, just sit down in your wine cellar with a couple of vintage bottles and drink yourself into oblivion on $300 wine! Better yet, take some with you to your walk in jacuzzi and grab the cabana boy ;-)

Who needs love when you have fun cars, never ending youth, expensive wine and a cabana boy? I think those romance poets all had it wrong. Show me the money! 


  1. Lot of good advice -- and most importantly, funny. Thanks Amanda.
    (Jim Schaeffer)