Tuesday, October 1, 2019

It's Halloween!

Ok, it's not quite Halloween yet... But do you think I am going to be the loser sitting at home on the Saturday before Halloween writing blog posts? If you answered No, you don't know me very well. But I digress, let's pretend like I am not that pathetic, k?

So Halloween... Candy, scary decor, pumpkins, pagan sacrificial rituals and COSTUMES! The one time of the year you get to be whatever you want to be. (Unless you're like me and have a seasonal job that requires you to wear a costume to work and think that there would be nothing more completely awesome than being a pirate, which, of course, there isn't). Whatever you want to be, people!! I mean, think of the possibilities! When I was a little kid, for a short period of time, I wanted to be a nurse. I don't know why I wanted to do that... Blood, shit, needles... ugh. Maybe that's why I stopped wanting to be a nurse. I think, actually, I wanted to be a nurse because my mom was a nurse and when they asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up, I had no fucking clue, so I said nurse. Anyway, you would think this is leading to me dressing up as a nurse for Halloween, right? WRONG!! I didn't. Instead, I was a witch or a cat or some other stupid, uncreative thing that involved makeup. 

So where am I going with this? I'm not entirely sure, but between us, we'll get somewhere eventually. 

Ok, so you can be whatever you want to be. And, much like my story above, most people choose the standard, boring costumes or something that has to do with some stupid movie that was popular that year. Maybe this is lost on me because I never watch these movies and I always end up asking people "So what the hell are you supposed to be?" and I get these incredulous looks because, as it turns out, their costume is totally dead on for said movie and I probably should have figured it out by looking at the 15 other people dressed as the same thing - or at least realized there was something going on that I wasn't privy to and kept my mouth shut. 

Then you have the chicks. It seems that the favorite costume for Halloween is the prostitute, I'm sorry, Lady of the Sidewalk, outfit. Which is fine, the problem is, these chicks try to disguise these as different costumes. Like Firefighters or Pirates or even Nurses. Be careful, because you too could be unwittingly sucked into dressing like a street walker. I am going to let you in on a little secret I have discovered. You see, when you're shopping for a costume, you could be sucked into dressing like a hooker without even trying! I know, this is a huge conspiracy. Thankfully, I am here to put a stop to it. You see, many perfectly acceptable costumes are actually prostitute outfits. You don't want to be dressed like a prostitute. Here's how you find them:

1. First and foremost giveaway: the name of the costume includes the word "sexy". Now, some costume manufacturers will cleverly try to hide this by putting it in parentheses, ie. Cat Costume (Sexy) or (Sexy) Witch. This, to you - the smart, well-educated enjoyer of fine literature that reads my blog - should make it all the more glaringly obvious. Others will simply label it as Sexy Nurse or Sexy Maid. Other misleading terms include, but are not limited to: Diva, sultry, adult and in some cases, teen (?!?!?!?!)

2. The size of the package: This matters. Yes, as in most occasions, the size of the package matters and, when you're trying not to get picked up on a street corner (and other, obvious occasions) smaller isn't better. If your costume comes in a smaller package than your 4 year old's - especially if it includes a wig - you are about to attend that "kid friendly" party as a Lady of the Night. If the costume includes nothing but a wig and makeup, you're in serious trouble (or you're going to get propositioned for a "movie" role, in that case, Congrats! if you're into that sort of thing).

3. Is it something a woman wouldn't normally dress up as? If this is the case, please check your costume carefully. Women don't usually dress up as sailors, gangsters, convicts, cops or grunt level infantrypersons

That being said, ladies, if you really want to be a prostitute, then your choices are unlimited. Otherwise, feel free to write to these costume manufacturers and let them know you are on to their little scheme of selling you as little fabric as possible for an exorbitant amount of money and causing you to unwittingly portray that your highest aspiration in life is to become a Lady of the Sidewalk.

Red Bird

Slut Bird

Friday, June 7, 2019

A Song of Disappointment and Bullshit: How HBO Ruined an Epic

   Regardless of how you felt about the second to last episode - I for one, found it wonderfully unpredictable and satisfying - I think there are few who would say they are happy with the series finale. Not for the same reasons as "Jaime Lannister should have gone out in a hero's death" (he kind of did) or "You made Dany a bad guy!! Waahh!". The reasons to hate the finale are more practical and less emotional. You may hate that Jon killed his queen and former lover. You may hate that the dragon melted the throne... But these things pale in comparison to the storyline and continuity issues that litter the episode. And don't even get me started on missed opportunities.

   Let's start with the thing that personally bothers me the most, because this is my blog and I can do what I want, and what I want is to bitch about the meaning behind the animals, particularly the direwolves. Or, I should say, LACK of meaning. I kept waiting and waiting for the significance of the direwolves to be revealed. I felt like I got a glimpse of it early on when it seemed that the howling of Bran's direwolf, Summer, was what kept him alive. Not to mention Summer saving Cat from the knifeman. Rob dies, his wolf dies. Rickon dies, his wolf dies. Sansa's wolf dies, and nothing. Bran's wolf dies saving him, but Bran has become the Three Eyed Raven so he's technically no longer a Stark. And Ghost? He's badass, just like Jon. But none of it means anything except these are some Starks and they have giant pet wolves. It never really goes beyond that except in some instances where the wolves save them or someone else. And what about Nimeria? Why is there no meaning or significance to the fact that she is still alive but estranged from Aria? I would say it means Aria becomes estranged from her family, which she does, but Sansa becomes fucking QUEEN of Winterfell and her wolf is dead!

   Then there are the dragons. I found some significance in the fact that Viserion was the one that got turned into a wight. Afterall, he was described as the smallest dragon and he was named after her shit of a brother who her husband, Khal Drogo, killed by dumping molten gold onto his head when he demanded the Khal give him his crown. I also thought there would be some significance to the fact that Jon rode Rhagal, the dragon named for Daenerys' brother, Rhagar, who also happens to be Jon's secret father. But it seems that was only the case because he was the only other dragon left.

   Speaking of Jon and the dragons, let's talk about that for a second. Dragons only allow Targaryens to ride them and Dany knows this. Yet, she doesn't blink an eye when Jon gets on Rhagal; in fact, she suggests it. Either she is incredibly arrogant in thinking that the dragons will accept him because he is her lover, or someone really dropped the continuity ball.

   And is it me, or does Daenerys not seem to show the proper amount of grief when one of the dragons dies? These are her children and the most we see or hear of it is "my dragon died so that...". She never really mourns either one of them. Yet, when Missandei dies, she locks herself in her chambers and refuses food. I mean, I get that they were close and that Missandei is human, but the dragons are her children!! The only children she will ever have!

  Maybe I just set too much stock in the animals as something more symbolic than they were, but it really irritated me. And why would Drogon not have melted Jon instead of the iron throne? He's clearly the one who killed Dany and the dragons are supposed to be quite intelligent. Did he spare him because he's actually Aegon Targaryen? Which brings me to...

   It's for nothing that Jon is Aegon Targaryen, the rightful heir to the throne. The biggest fucking bombshell in the entire series and it means nada. But I am getting ahead of myself. Other than the fact that the entire finale was a snoozefest, aside from the one scene where Jon offs the Mad Queen, it was just rife with things that made zero sense.

   We watch Drogon spare Jon's life, melt the iron throne, then pick up Dany's lifeless body and fly off with her - perhaps to Valyria to find a red priest? Then cut to Tyrion and all the "lords" of Westeros. What? Where is Jon? Then we find out he was taken prisoner by the unsullied... Right, because Grey Worm was executing prisoners in the street but we are supposed to believe he spared Tyrion and Jon, who, oh by the way, killed his beloved Queen and Liberator. And how did anyone find out? I mean, ok, it's not out of the realm of belief that Jon told on himself, but they really leave that one up to imagination. They're clearly lazy like that. Especially about stuff that doesn't make any sense. Like how the unsullied have suddenly become so powerful that the Northerners allowed them to imprison the King in The North without a word of protest.

   Then the Unsullied just leave. See ya, goobye. But we're still going to send Jon north anyway. And that brings me to the final major point. Why is Jon being sent to the Wall? Number one, the wall was melted by zombie dragon ice fire and number two, the Others are dead. The Wall isn't even needed any more. It just doesn't make any flippin sense!!

Look, I can deal with an ending I don't like. I could have dealt with all of this if it had a logical explanation. And maybe it does, but the writers did a poor job of conveying it, instead leaving us with a boring, unsatisfying and somewhat infuriating end to what was, up until now, an epic. Hopefully Martin saves us with his countless-years-in-the-making final books. The thing that makes all of it most disappointing is that you know exactly why they whiffed on the ending so badly... Spin-offs. Can't something ever just END? Oh no, not when we're making all this money.

Shame. Shame. Shame. HBO. I want to parade you naked in the streets and throw garbage and excrement at you.