Monday, December 21, 2015

An Ode to What Never Happened

Spring break, breaking racks.
You smiled when you saw me.
I still think about it.
A motorcycle,
The blue-eyed cat.
A spark.
I still wonder...
Dream On,
The back seat,
On the way back.
Hesitation.
Jupiter is in the sky.
Under the tent,
You pulled away.
Your eyes told me what your mouth wouldn't.
I still dream about it.
It's never the right time,
Never will be.

Tuesday, July 28, 2015

Fun at the Airport

[This is one from the archives. I wrote this after the fun with Truthers and Becktards.]

Now that I am done making fun of truthers, let's get back to the funny...

By now, you've all heard of the drama with the new TSA "security" measures. It seems now, in order for us to be absolutely safe on a flight (and make sure that no shady Arabs board a plane with explosives in their underwear) "random" people must either be subjected to a virtual strip search via high doses of x-ray radiation or receive an enhanced groping "pat down". I'm sure you all see the first flaw in this plan... Random people get searched. So, if I am a diabolical terrorist mastermind who wants to blow up a plane, I should put 3 or 4 people on the plane and put them all in line with each other, but have them tell the TSA they are not all "together". The chances of all 4 of them being searched are little to none. Maybe the TSA should hire me to figure this shit out for them...

Anyway, if you have to fly, you might as well have some fun with this. Obviously, any reasonable person would not choose to be exposed to an x-ray sans lead vest, so, if you're selected, you're going to have to opt-out of that and go for the "enhanced groping pat down". Now, I don't want to alarm anyone, like people who have been molested or victims of rape or people who are afraid of sex in general, but this procedure involves a complete stranger examining your private parts... If you don't want to be denied the ability to get on your flight, that you PAID for, here are some things you can do to avoid this humiliating experience (or at least make it even more humiliating for the person raping groping assaulting screening you):

1. Eat lots of Mexican food (or whatever gives you uncontrollable, stinky gas). When they get to the leg portion of your "pat down", rip one right in their face. To pull this off, you need to be able to fart on command. If you cannot do this, or think you might be subject to performance anxiety, keep reading.

2. When your molester screener approaches, tell them you'd like to ask them some questions before you are searched. Proceed to inquire about their sexual orientation. Tell them that they appear gay to you and you are not comfortable with a homo feeling your junk. Find some physical characteristic to point out and tell them it seems suspiciously gay to you, and that it defeats the purpose of having a same sex groper if they are gay.

3. Tell them you are the virgin daughter of a devout Mormon fundamentalist. Ask if this screening procedure is the equivalent of dry humping. When they give you a perplexed look, explain that dry humping is a sin and that you can only dry hump with your father until you are married. Ask if your father can perform the screening.

If you want to entirely avoid the pat down, here are some suggestions for things to tell them:

1. I have a horrific yeast infection.

2. My herpes decided to flair up this morning, before I could take my valtrex. My junk is 4 times the normal size and extremely painful and I would appreciate if you didn't touch it.

3. My holiday hemorrhoids are acting up, please don't touch them or they will rupture, and them we will have a big mess and I am sure you don't want that.

You should avoid telling them you have any sort of highly communicable disease, like leprosy or ebola, because you might get banned from your flight and be subjected to an even more invasive molestation by the CDC.

Some of you might try to appeal to my better nature (as if I had one) and tell me that these are awfully mean things to do to someone who's just try to do their job. To that I say... One, what the fuck kind of sadistic, made fun of in high school person takes a job molesting people instead of just becoming a cop? And two, if they can't find people to do it, no one will get groped until they teach robots. I'd rather be groped by a robot than by a 300 pound black woman with 3 inch finger nails.

I hope this little guide has helped you have a less humiliating and possibly entertaining if not pleasant experience at the airport. (Look, I just write, I don't work miracles).

Real Texts - Office Edition

Note: If  you observe the timestamps on the emails, this is clearly old... I am, in fact, no longer employed (not because of this, but wouldn't that be funny (not funny-haha, of course)). I believe I did pblish this after it was written but took it down of my own accord after said "secretary" somehow stumbled upon it, during work hours, and complained to my boss, who, if I remember correctly, found it quite hilarious.

So my job usually fluctuates between insanely busy and mind-numbingly boring. In either case, I couldn't resist replying to this email from our Secretary... Wait, they don't like that word, do they? I'd call her an Administrative Assistant, but she really doesn't do anything, nor does she ever "assist" anyone. Mostly, she walks around the office with her stinky old lady perfume that she bathes in, makes a lot of noise and bothers us via email about RSVPing for company lunches and such. Anyway, I'll just call her Bozo, she has the hair for it...

From: The Clown, Bozo
Sent: Friday, April 20, 2012 10:07 AM
To: Pittsburgh
Subject: Snacks

The company provides a limited amount of snacks for us to enjoy, along with coffee and tea.  However, certain items - like the caramel cream candies and peanut-butter-filled pretzels - do not last as long as they should, which indicates that some of you may be pigging out (I have no idea who)!   Please limit yourself to just a couple pieces of candy or pretzels per day so that we can continue to provide snacks on a limited basis for everyone.

Thanks!

Bozo

Bozo The Clown
Administrative Assistant



From: Trbobitch
Sent: Friday, April 20, 2012 10:10 AM
To: The Clown, Bozo; Pittsburgh
Subject: RE: Snacks

How long exactly are we expecting them to last? Maybe we should come up with a formula for how many pieces each person can have per day so that they last the appropriate amount of time… Anyone found taking more than their share per day can be publicly humiliated by wearing a rubber pig nose the rest of the day ;-)


(Obviously said facetiously to demonstrate the absurdity of bothering hard working professionals with such ridiculousness)


From: The Clown, Bozo
Sent: Friday, April 20, 2012 10:18 AM
To: Trbobitch; Pittsburgh
Subject: RE: Snacks

Great idea, Trbo!  I’ll order one of these:  

[this was a picture of a pig nose mask]

I don’t actually keep very close tabs on it.  But when a big jar of regular pretzel sticks last several weeks and the peanut-filled ones are gone in three days – well, you do the math!

Bozo


(So I did the math... It's a 2.75 lbs jar of pb filled pretzels (pretzels are fairly dense/heavy). The distro for our office has 30 people on it. Assume 10 of these people work from home at least some of the time. That's 20 people taking a handful out of this jar on a daily basis... She's LUCKY it lasts 3 days)

And because I can't leave well enough alone:

From: Trbobitch 
Sent: Friday, April 20, 2012 10:20 AM
To: The Clown, Bozo; Pittsburgh
Subject: RE: Snacks

Buying the regular pretzel sticks sounds like a logical solution to me. Everyone can then bring their own jar of peanutbutter J


(What I really wanted to say was, if it stops these stupid emails from going out, buy the fucking regular pretzels!!)



From: The Clown, Bozo
Sent: Friday, April 20, 2012 10:22 AM
To: Trbobitch; Pittsburgh
Subject: RE: Snacks

It is a logical solution.  But when we all prefer the other kind, it kinda sucks that we have to stop ordering them because we can’t control ourselves!  However, if it comes to that, I can certainly order snacks that no one likes very much.  Problem solved : )

Bozo


(OH boy! Threaten the one other person besides you who cares enough about this to be scared that you won't order the peanut butter filled pretzels!! Give me a fucking BREAK!)

After some deliberation, H and I decided that Bozo, herself, is in fact the notorious pretzel thief. We came to this conclusion based on the following:

  • According to the other email respondents, no one knew these pretzels existed in our office.
  • One of these people has an office right outside the kitchen
  • On Bozo's desk is a jar filled with these elusive "carmel cream candies", Bozo's desk is actually in the reception area, which is a separate part of the building from where everyone else is.
  • Even though we supposedly have a "snack budget" - it seems that snacks are purchased sporadically. We have gone several months without any snacks in the kitchen from Staples. Either that, or they are purchased regularly and not put in the kitchen... hmmmm.
So I have solved the great mystery of the Pittsburgh Office Snack Thief, can I have a peanut butter pretzel???