Tuesday, July 28, 2015

Fun at the Airport

[This is one from the archives. I wrote this after the fun with Truthers and Becktards.]

Now that I am done making fun of truthers, let's get back to the funny...

By now, you've all heard of the drama with the new TSA "security" measures. It seems now, in order for us to be absolutely safe on a flight (and make sure that no shady Arabs board a plane with explosives in their underwear) "random" people must either be subjected to a virtual strip search via high doses of x-ray radiation or receive an enhanced groping "pat down". I'm sure you all see the first flaw in this plan... Random people get searched. So, if I am a diabolical terrorist mastermind who wants to blow up a plane, I should put 3 or 4 people on the plane and put them all in line with each other, but have them tell the TSA they are not all "together". The chances of all 4 of them being searched are little to none. Maybe the TSA should hire me to figure this shit out for them...

Anyway, if you have to fly, you might as well have some fun with this. Obviously, any reasonable person would not choose to be exposed to an x-ray sans lead vest, so, if you're selected, you're going to have to opt-out of that and go for the "enhanced groping pat down". Now, I don't want to alarm anyone, like people who have been molested or victims of rape or people who are afraid of sex in general, but this procedure involves a complete stranger examining your private parts... If you don't want to be denied the ability to get on your flight, that you PAID for, here are some things you can do to avoid this humiliating experience (or at least make it even more humiliating for the person raping groping assaulting screening you):

1. Eat lots of Mexican food (or whatever gives you uncontrollable, stinky gas). When they get to the leg portion of your "pat down", rip one right in their face. To pull this off, you need to be able to fart on command. If you cannot do this, or think you might be subject to performance anxiety, keep reading.

2. When your molester screener approaches, tell them you'd like to ask them some questions before you are searched. Proceed to inquire about their sexual orientation. Tell them that they appear gay to you and you are not comfortable with a homo feeling your junk. Find some physical characteristic to point out and tell them it seems suspiciously gay to you, and that it defeats the purpose of having a same sex groper if they are gay.

3. Tell them you are the virgin daughter of a devout Mormon fundamentalist. Ask if this screening procedure is the equivalent of dry humping. When they give you a perplexed look, explain that dry humping is a sin and that you can only dry hump with your father until you are married. Ask if your father can perform the screening.

If you want to entirely avoid the pat down, here are some suggestions for things to tell them:

1. I have a horrific yeast infection.

2. My herpes decided to flair up this morning, before I could take my valtrex. My junk is 4 times the normal size and extremely painful and I would appreciate if you didn't touch it.

3. My holiday hemorrhoids are acting up, please don't touch them or they will rupture, and them we will have a big mess and I am sure you don't want that.

You should avoid telling them you have any sort of highly communicable disease, like leprosy or ebola, because you might get banned from your flight and be subjected to an even more invasive molestation by the CDC.

Some of you might try to appeal to my better nature (as if I had one) and tell me that these are awfully mean things to do to someone who's just try to do their job. To that I say... One, what the fuck kind of sadistic, made fun of in high school person takes a job molesting people instead of just becoming a cop? And two, if they can't find people to do it, no one will get groped until they teach robots. I'd rather be groped by a robot than by a 300 pound black woman with 3 inch finger nails.

I hope this little guide has helped you have a less humiliating and possibly entertaining if not pleasant experience at the airport. (Look, I just write, I don't work miracles).

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