Friday, June 7, 2019

A Song of Disappointment and Bullshit: How HBO Ruined an Epic

   Regardless of how you felt about the second to last episode - I for one, found it wonderfully unpredictable and satisfying - I think there are few who would say they are happy with the series finale. Not for the same reasons as "Jaime Lannister should have gone out in a hero's death" (he kind of did) or "You made Dany a bad guy!! Waahh!". The reasons to hate the finale are more practical and less emotional. You may hate that Jon killed his queen and former lover. You may hate that the dragon melted the throne... But these things pale in comparison to the storyline and continuity issues that litter the episode. And don't even get me started on missed opportunities.

   Let's start with the thing that personally bothers me the most, because this is my blog and I can do what I want, and what I want is to bitch about the meaning behind the animals, particularly the direwolves. Or, I should say, LACK of meaning. I kept waiting and waiting for the significance of the direwolves to be revealed. I felt like I got a glimpse of it early on when it seemed that the howling of Bran's direwolf, Summer, was what kept him alive. Not to mention Summer saving Cat from the knifeman. Rob dies, his wolf dies. Rickon dies, his wolf dies. Sansa's wolf dies, and nothing. Bran's wolf dies saving him, but Bran has become the Three Eyed Raven so he's technically no longer a Stark. And Ghost? He's badass, just like Jon. But none of it means anything except these are some Starks and they have giant pet wolves. It never really goes beyond that except in some instances where the wolves save them or someone else. And what about Nimeria? Why is there no meaning or significance to the fact that she is still alive but estranged from Aria? I would say it means Aria becomes estranged from her family, which she does, but Sansa becomes fucking QUEEN of Winterfell and her wolf is dead!

   Then there are the dragons. I found some significance in the fact that Viserion was the one that got turned into a wight. Afterall, he was described as the smallest dragon and he was named after her shit of a brother who her husband, Khal Drogo, killed by dumping molten gold onto his head when he demanded the Khal give him his crown. I also thought there would be some significance to the fact that Jon rode Rhagal, the dragon named for Daenerys' brother, Rhagar, who also happens to be Jon's secret father. But it seems that was only the case because he was the only other dragon left.

   Speaking of Jon and the dragons, let's talk about that for a second. Dragons only allow Targaryens to ride them and Dany knows this. Yet, she doesn't blink an eye when Jon gets on Rhagal; in fact, she suggests it. Either she is incredibly arrogant in thinking that the dragons will accept him because he is her lover, or someone really dropped the continuity ball.

   And is it me, or does Daenerys not seem to show the proper amount of grief when one of the dragons dies? These are her children and the most we see or hear of it is "my dragon died so that...". She never really mourns either one of them. Yet, when Missandei dies, she locks herself in her chambers and refuses food. I mean, I get that they were close and that Missandei is human, but the dragons are her children!! The only children she will ever have!

  Maybe I just set too much stock in the animals as something more symbolic than they were, but it really irritated me. And why would Drogon not have melted Jon instead of the iron throne? He's clearly the one who killed Dany and the dragons are supposed to be quite intelligent. Did he spare him because he's actually Aegon Targaryen? Which brings me to...

   It's for nothing that Jon is Aegon Targaryen, the rightful heir to the throne. The biggest fucking bombshell in the entire series and it means nada. But I am getting ahead of myself. Other than the fact that the entire finale was a snoozefest, aside from the one scene where Jon offs the Mad Queen, it was just rife with things that made zero sense.

   We watch Drogon spare Jon's life, melt the iron throne, then pick up Dany's lifeless body and fly off with her - perhaps to Valyria to find a red priest? Then cut to Tyrion and all the "lords" of Westeros. What? Where is Jon? Then we find out he was taken prisoner by the unsullied... Right, because Grey Worm was executing prisoners in the street but we are supposed to believe he spared Tyrion and Jon, who, oh by the way, killed his beloved Queen and Liberator. And how did anyone find out? I mean, ok, it's not out of the realm of belief that Jon told on himself, but they really leave that one up to imagination. They're clearly lazy like that. Especially about stuff that doesn't make any sense. Like how the unsullied have suddenly become so powerful that the Northerners allowed them to imprison the King in The North without a word of protest.

   Then the Unsullied just leave. See ya, goobye. But we're still going to send Jon north anyway. And that brings me to the final major point. Why is Jon being sent to the Wall? Number one, the wall was melted by zombie dragon ice fire and number two, the Others are dead. The Wall isn't even needed any more. It just doesn't make any flippin sense!!

Look, I can deal with an ending I don't like. I could have dealt with all of this if it had a logical explanation. And maybe it does, but the writers did a poor job of conveying it, instead leaving us with a boring, unsatisfying and somewhat infuriating end to what was, up until now, an epic. Hopefully Martin saves us with his countless-years-in-the-making final books. The thing that makes all of it most disappointing is that you know exactly why they whiffed on the ending so badly... Spin-offs. Can't something ever just END? Oh no, not when we're making all this money.

Shame. Shame. Shame. HBO. I want to parade you naked in the streets and throw garbage and excrement at you.

Tuesday, October 30, 2018

Floored and Disgusted

I rarely write about serious topics here. Well, maybe I do, in either cryptic ways or via hyperbole and humor. This time, I want my word vomit to venture into the serious, because I have nothing humorous to say about this topic. I may throw out a few snide remarks, but they are to be taken with a grain of rage and indignation, not in jest. Even if, at some point, you may be led to believe I am making light (and we'll see how this goes as it goes), please do not mistake me.

Now, normally, most people would preface something like this with all kinds of qualifiers like:

  • I don't think that every Christian believes this...
  • I'm normally tolerant of other people's beliefs...
  • I understand people interpret these things differently...
  • I'm not a raging feminist. In fact, I kinda hate feminists...
Blah blah... You know what? Fuck all that. I have been reading a bunch of garbage over the past few days and I have to say something. Even if it's just word vomit. Even if it's not some well-thought-out-backed-up-by-sources piece of literary genius. I'm just going to say it, without qualification. Without having to say," no, I'm not an atheist/agnostic/pagan-Illuminati-goat-worshipper/whatever stupid fucking label you're inclined to throw on me because you can't think outside of your stupid fucking boxes that you have to throw people in. I swear, I drink, I drive too fast, if that all lowers your opinion of me as a human being, look in the fucking mirror (the F-bomb will apparently be thrown about liberally tonight, how fitting).

Something put me down this rabbit hole. Once I got there, it was like the train wreck... no, I have to stop there, that metaphor is inadequate. It's like the psychotic mass murder, dismembered body parts and all, that you have stumbled upon and cannot look away from. I'm not kidding, that truly is how strongly I feel. I am shaken and appalled to my very core over this. There are a LOT of fucked up things going on in the world, but not a one of them has gotten me this riled up in a long time.

Ok, enough preamble, you get it... maybe. Spend some time here: I particularly encourage you to search for the word "sex". Spend some time reading the comments. I dare you. Go ahead. I'll wait. I suspect 99% of you will find my F-bombs to be a breath of fresh mountain air after you read that site...
Had enough already have you? Or maybe you agreed with it? If you did, don't bother commenting. I will lose all respect for you as a human being. I'm not kidding. Here are some of the choicer comments/posts:

If you slap me, fucker, I am going to shoot you in the face. How do you like that? Because, in America at least, I can own a gun, and I can defend myself from someone threatening bodily harm to my person, even if he's my "husband". I'm not a child. I'm an adult. I am your equal, not your ward. What kind of self-respecting woman marries a man who believes this garbage? I mean, is this like hillbilly backwoods shit come to the internet or are these like normal, middle class people who believe this? That fact that anyone thinks they can treat another adult like this is fucking disgusting to me. Especially when you look at all the places where it's stated that men are physically strong than women, "the weaker vessels", therefore, thou shalt slap the bitch?

Let's take a look at a passage from the actual post:

I feel like now is a good time to point out the title of this article/blog post/word garbage:

Why the Bible Allows Forced Sex in Marriage

That is directly from the site, font and all. No emphasis added. Is this purposefully inflammatory? Like seriously, I feel like maybe this is just some person maybe trying to be funny in a sick, demented way. No, friends, it's not. This is a real person, who really believes this crap.This person goes on to tell women they should show skin, even in public, to please their husbands... But I will get to that one soon. Let me first comment on the above passage (as if I need to). I don't give two crispy flying fucks what some stupid book says (a book written by human beings, not by a divine being), you do not have the right to force yourself upon ANYONE sexually. No, I wasn't sexually abused or molested, I have no demons. For most of my life, I have enjoyed a healthy, active sex life. I am not somehow jaded by bad experiences. I just simply do not and cannot believe that a husband somehow has sexual dominion over his wife's body, that she is never "allowed" to say no. This is a great way to make someone leave you, by the way, forcing them to have sex with you because "god said so", unless of course you happened to find some poor, repressed woman who actually thinks this is truth.

I've spent so long speaking out against feminism, because I do believe that the ultimate goal of it does NO favors for women (or children for that matter), that I have probably overlooked a lot of what drives some women toward it. Was this the attitude of society a couple of hundred years ago? If you read history books, it pretty much was. Women were property, bargaining chips and generally inferior to men. I can't accept that. 

Looks guys, I have no aspirations of becoming an ironman or fathering children. I don't want your construction jobs. I don't want to pay child support while you care for my children and I do whatever I want. I don't want to pee standing up (well maybe a little) or be so weak in the face of an attractive member of the opposite sex that I have to coerce my wife to do things she may not want to do so that I won't be "tempted". I don't want to be that weak. And for the record, I don't think most of you do, or are, either.

A few more tidbits:

Thou shalt wear makeup if thou art ugly. Thou shalt behave like a slut so your husband doesn't go find an actual slut.

No seriously. Go search this site for sex. I'm actually less mad now, because once I saw all the posts, I realized that this is just some sick, depraved perv who uses the Bible to control women. Ok, maybe I'm not less mad, but it gives me hope that not all Christians believe this drivel. That not all of these men who claim to be holy and good and Godly think they get to lord it over their wives because women are somehow lesser beings. We don't tolerate that crap in our society any more. Not against black people or Asians or women, for the most part. Sure, there are still some assholes out there, but humans are humans an All Men are Created Equal - men, meaning human beings, even if the dudes who wrote that at the time weren't totally enlightened.

So I don't want to post any more from there. If you want to witness the carnage and feel like you have been brain raped, be my guest. here are some of the choicer articles you might sample:
  • Why God Wants You to STAY in an Abusive Relationship
  • Answers to 6 common arguments against polygamy
  • Why it is NOT Wrong for Men to See Women as Sex Objects
  • Porn use is “a way to escape” the temptation of extra-marital sex
  • Do Christian wives have to submit to requests for anal sex by their husbands?
Now that I am sort of over my righteous anger (because, for real, do people actually, for real believe this shit and get to force it on other people?!?!), I have to say I could bash this site all day. However, I think the takeaway here is that I can almost relate now to why women turn to feminism (not that I think that's the answer). But man, I have to say, if I was with a man who believed this, well, I wouldn't be with him, of course, but I might be so completely taken aback that I might not know how to react.

Also, this is why people don't like your religion. Don't blame non-believers, blame the people who count themselves amongst your ranks that make you look BAD.

I also want to point out that, while this was probably on of the worst, this was in no way the only site that promotes these types of beliefs. Particularly that God views women as lesser beings than men or that women were put here for the use and abuse of men, solely.

I leave you with:

1 Timothy 2:11-15 ESV / 793 helpful votes

Let a woman learn quietly with all submissiveness. I do not permit a woman to teach or to exercise authority over a man; rather, she is to remain quiet. For Adam was formed first, then Eve; and Adam was not deceived, but the woman was deceived and became a transgressor. Yet she will be saved through childbearing—if they continue in faith and love and holiness, with self-control.

1 Corinthians 14:34-35 ESV / 416 helpful votes

The women should keep silent in the churches. For they are not permitted to speak, but should be in submission, as the Law also says. If there is anything they desire to learn, let them ask their husbands at home. For it is shameful for a woman to speak in church.

Genesis 3:16 ESV / 343 helpful votes

To the woman he said, “I will surely multiply your pain in childbearing; in pain you shall bring forth children. Your desire shall be for your husband, and he shall rule over you.”


Galatians 3:26-29 ESV / 406 helpful votes

For in Christ Jesus you are all sons of God, through faith. For as many of you as were baptized into Christ have put on Christ. There is neither Jew nor Greek, there is neither slave nor free, there is no male and female, for you are all one in Christ Jesus. And if you are Christ's, then you are Abraham's offspring, heirs according to promise.

1 Corinthians 11:11-12 ESV / 201 helpful votes

Nevertheless, in the Lord woman is not independent of man nor man of woman; for as woman was made from man, so man is now born of woman. And all things are from God.

I'm just the lady sitting here pasting shit. Don't ask me to figure it out. Maybe I am taking it out of context. Or maybe it's just man in all his contradiction writing shit down, claiming it's more than it is and using it to control people.

Friday, December 8, 2017

I have the whole world at my fingertips and I am drowning in isolation

No seriously... what happened? Someone please explain.

I am sitting here and, suddenly, I lost like, I dunno, 7 years or so. When did I become old? I have a gray hair, big pores and, fuck a duck, I've gotten fat.

I was one of the cool kids, god dammit! Now I'm some stay-at-home-working-housewife-sex-is-a-chore-homeschooling-something-or-other.

I looked on the internet today. This girl I was friends with in middle school is dead. She's DEAD! WTF?!?! Not that I'm having a Golden Girls moment and making this about me, I'm not. In fact, I'm a lot sadder than I thought I would ever be over something like this. Granted, she'd had some brain tumor issue or something and was sick, plus, I mean, I hadn't even talked to her for years... But damn it hurt. It also makes me hate the internet age. I feel so disconnected from people. Fuck Facebook, let's go have a drink, see a movie, talk on the phone.

I don't talk to anyone any more. I try, I do... But I'm not on Facebook... Apparently people can't be friends anymore without their social validation loop software... Have any one of you ever thought about what this is doing to your relationships? Do you care? Was this just a way to turn your fake, codependent relationships into something lower maintenance? Doesn't matter, no one reads this any more because, oh shit! I'm not posting it on Facebook.

Go ahead, give them your info. Give them you, your thoughts, your "opinions" and I won't even bother with "your dreams". You have none. There is no such thing any more. Only social validation. You're a number, a ranking, a reflection of how many "followers" you have. You "like" people's crap because they like yours. It's all bullshit. It probably always was, but now we all have our big internet balls to hide behind.

Let's talk. Call me. For real, if you read this, and you know me, pick up your fucking phone and call me. Let's TALK!

Friday, September 29, 2017

It's Halloween!

Ok, it's not quite Halloween yet... But do you think I am going to be the loser sitting at home on the Saturday before Halloween writing blog posts? If you answered No, you don't know me very well. But I digress, let's pretend like I am not that pathetic, k?

So Halloween... Candy, scary decor, pumpkins, pagan sacrificial rituals and COSTUMES! The one time of the year you get to be whatever you want to be. (Unless you're like me and have a seasonal job that requires you to wear a costume to work and think that there would be nothing more completely awesome than being a pirate, which, of course, there isn't). Whatever you want to be, people!! I mean, think of the possibilities! When I was a little kid, for a short period of time, I wanted to be a nurse. I don't know why I wanted to do that... Blood, shit, needles... ugh. Maybe that's why I stopped wanting to be a nurse. I think, actually, I wanted to be a nurse because my mom was a nurse and when they asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up, I had no fucking clue, so I said nurse. Anyway, you would think this is leading to me dressing up as a nurse for Halloween, right? WRONG!! I didn't. Instead, I was a witch or a cat or some other stupid, uncreative thing that involved makeup. 

So where am I going with this? I'm not entirely sure, but between us, we'll get somewhere eventually. 

Ok, so you can be whatever you want to be. And, much like my story above, most people choose the standard, boring costumes or something that has to do with some stupid movie that was popular that year. Maybe this is lost on me because I never watch these movies and I always end up asking people "So what the hell are you supposed to be?" and I get these incredulous looks because, as it turns out, their costume is totally dead on for said movie and I probably should have figured it out by looking at the 15 other people dressed as the same thing - or at least realized there was something going on that I wasn't privy to and kept my mouth shut. 

Then you have the chicks. It seems that the favorite costume for Halloween is the prostitute, I'm sorry, Lady of the Sidewalk, outfit. Which is fine, the problem is, these chicks try to disguise these as different costumes. Like Firefighters or Pirates or even Nurses. Be careful, because you too could be unwittingly sucked into dressing like a street walker. I am going to let you in on a little secret I have discovered. You see, when you're shopping for a costume, you could be sucked into dressing like a hooker without even trying! I know, this is a huge conspiracy. Thankfully, I am here to put a stop to it. You see, many perfectly acceptable costumes are actually prostitute outfits. You don't want to be dressed like a prostitute. Here's how you find them:

1. First and foremost giveaway: the name of the costume includes the word "sexy". Now, some costume manufacturers will cleverly try to hide this by putting it in parentheses, ie. Cat Costume (Sexy) or (Sexy) Witch. This, to you - the smart, well-educated enjoyer of fine literature that reads my blog - should make it all the more glaringly obvious. Others will simply label it as Sexy Nurse or Sexy Maid. Other misleading terms include, but are not limited to: Diva, sultry, adult and in some cases, teen (?!?!?!?!)

2. The size of the package: This matters. Yes, as in most occasions, the size of the package matters and, when you're trying not to get picked up on a street corner (and other, obvious occasions) smaller isn't better. If your costume comes in a smaller package than your 4 year old's - especially if it includes a wig - you are about to attend that "kid friendly" party as a Lady of the Night. If the costume includes nothing but a wig and makeup, you're in serious trouble (or you're going to get propositioned for a "movie" role, in that case, Congrats! if you're into that sort of thing).

3. Is it something a woman wouldn't normally dress up as? If this is the case, please check your costume carefully. Women don't usually dress up as sailors, gangsters, convicts, cops or grunt level infantrypersons

That being said, ladies, if you really want to be a prostitute, then your choices are unlimited. Otherwise, feel free to write to these costume manufacturers and let them know you are on to their little scheme of selling you as little fabric as possible for an exorbitant amount of money and causing you to unwittingly portray that your highest aspiration in life is to become a Lady of the Sidewalk.

Red Bird

Slut Bird

Monday, December 21, 2015

An Ode to What Never Happened

Spring break, breaking racks.
You smiled when you saw me.
I still think about it.
A motorcycle,
The blue-eyed cat.
A spark.
I still wonder...
Dream On,
The back seat,
On the way back.
Jupiter is in the sky.
Under the tent,
You pulled away.
Your eyes told me what your mouth wouldn't.
I still dream about it.
It's never the right time,
Never will be.

Tuesday, July 28, 2015

Fun at the Airport

[This is one from the archives. I wrote this after the fun with Truthers and Becktards.]

Now that I am done making fun of truthers, let's get back to the funny...

By now, you've all heard of the drama with the new TSA "security" measures. It seems now, in order for us to be absolutely safe on a flight (and make sure that no shady Arabs board a plane with explosives in their underwear) "random" people must either be subjected to a virtual strip search via high doses of x-ray radiation or receive an enhanced groping "pat down". I'm sure you all see the first flaw in this plan... Random people get searched. So, if I am a diabolical terrorist mastermind who wants to blow up a plane, I should put 3 or 4 people on the plane and put them all in line with each other, but have them tell the TSA they are not all "together". The chances of all 4 of them being searched are little to none. Maybe the TSA should hire me to figure this shit out for them...

Anyway, if you have to fly, you might as well have some fun with this. Obviously, any reasonable person would not choose to be exposed to an x-ray sans lead vest, so, if you're selected, you're going to have to opt-out of that and go for the "enhanced groping pat down". Now, I don't want to alarm anyone, like people who have been molested or victims of rape or people who are afraid of sex in general, but this procedure involves a complete stranger examining your private parts... If you don't want to be denied the ability to get on your flight, that you PAID for, here are some things you can do to avoid this humiliating experience (or at least make it even more humiliating for the person raping groping assaulting screening you):

1. Eat lots of Mexican food (or whatever gives you uncontrollable, stinky gas). When they get to the leg portion of your "pat down", rip one right in their face. To pull this off, you need to be able to fart on command. If you cannot do this, or think you might be subject to performance anxiety, keep reading.

2. When your molester screener approaches, tell them you'd like to ask them some questions before you are searched. Proceed to inquire about their sexual orientation. Tell them that they appear gay to you and you are not comfortable with a homo feeling your junk. Find some physical characteristic to point out and tell them it seems suspiciously gay to you, and that it defeats the purpose of having a same sex groper if they are gay.

3. Tell them you are the virgin daughter of a devout Mormon fundamentalist. Ask if this screening procedure is the equivalent of dry humping. When they give you a perplexed look, explain that dry humping is a sin and that you can only dry hump with your father until you are married. Ask if your father can perform the screening.

If you want to entirely avoid the pat down, here are some suggestions for things to tell them:

1. I have a horrific yeast infection.

2. My herpes decided to flair up this morning, before I could take my valtrex. My junk is 4 times the normal size and extremely painful and I would appreciate if you didn't touch it.

3. My holiday hemorrhoids are acting up, please don't touch them or they will rupture, and them we will have a big mess and I am sure you don't want that.

You should avoid telling them you have any sort of highly communicable disease, like leprosy or ebola, because you might get banned from your flight and be subjected to an even more invasive molestation by the CDC.

Some of you might try to appeal to my better nature (as if I had one) and tell me that these are awfully mean things to do to someone who's just try to do their job. To that I say... One, what the fuck kind of sadistic, made fun of in high school person takes a job molesting people instead of just becoming a cop? And two, if they can't find people to do it, no one will get groped until they teach robots. I'd rather be groped by a robot than by a 300 pound black woman with 3 inch finger nails.

I hope this little guide has helped you have a less humiliating and possibly entertaining if not pleasant experience at the airport. (Look, I just write, I don't work miracles).

Real Texts - Office Edition

Note: If  you observe the timestamps on the emails, this is clearly old... I am, in fact, no longer employed (not because of this, but wouldn't that be funny (not funny-haha, of course)). I believe I did pblish this after it was written but took it down of my own accord after said "secretary" somehow stumbled upon it, during work hours, and complained to my boss, who, if I remember correctly, found it quite hilarious.

So my job usually fluctuates between insanely busy and mind-numbingly boring. In either case, I couldn't resist replying to this email from our Secretary... Wait, they don't like that word, do they? I'd call her an Administrative Assistant, but she really doesn't do anything, nor does she ever "assist" anyone. Mostly, she walks around the office with her stinky old lady perfume that she bathes in, makes a lot of noise and bothers us via email about RSVPing for company lunches and such. Anyway, I'll just call her Bozo, she has the hair for it...

From: The Clown, Bozo
Sent: Friday, April 20, 2012 10:07 AM
To: Pittsburgh
Subject: Snacks

The company provides a limited amount of snacks for us to enjoy, along with coffee and tea.  However, certain items - like the caramel cream candies and peanut-butter-filled pretzels - do not last as long as they should, which indicates that some of you may be pigging out (I have no idea who)!   Please limit yourself to just a couple pieces of candy or pretzels per day so that we can continue to provide snacks on a limited basis for everyone.



Bozo The Clown
Administrative Assistant

From: Trbobitch
Sent: Friday, April 20, 2012 10:10 AM
To: The Clown, Bozo; Pittsburgh
Subject: RE: Snacks

How long exactly are we expecting them to last? Maybe we should come up with a formula for how many pieces each person can have per day so that they last the appropriate amount of time… Anyone found taking more than their share per day can be publicly humiliated by wearing a rubber pig nose the rest of the day ;-)

(Obviously said facetiously to demonstrate the absurdity of bothering hard working professionals with such ridiculousness)

From: The Clown, Bozo
Sent: Friday, April 20, 2012 10:18 AM
To: Trbobitch; Pittsburgh
Subject: RE: Snacks

Great idea, Trbo!  I’ll order one of these:  

[this was a picture of a pig nose mask]

I don’t actually keep very close tabs on it.  But when a big jar of regular pretzel sticks last several weeks and the peanut-filled ones are gone in three days – well, you do the math!


(So I did the math... It's a 2.75 lbs jar of pb filled pretzels (pretzels are fairly dense/heavy). The distro for our office has 30 people on it. Assume 10 of these people work from home at least some of the time. That's 20 people taking a handful out of this jar on a daily basis... She's LUCKY it lasts 3 days)

And because I can't leave well enough alone:

From: Trbobitch 
Sent: Friday, April 20, 2012 10:20 AM
To: The Clown, Bozo; Pittsburgh
Subject: RE: Snacks

Buying the regular pretzel sticks sounds like a logical solution to me. Everyone can then bring their own jar of peanutbutter J

(What I really wanted to say was, if it stops these stupid emails from going out, buy the fucking regular pretzels!!)

From: The Clown, Bozo
Sent: Friday, April 20, 2012 10:22 AM
To: Trbobitch; Pittsburgh
Subject: RE: Snacks

It is a logical solution.  But when we all prefer the other kind, it kinda sucks that we have to stop ordering them because we can’t control ourselves!  However, if it comes to that, I can certainly order snacks that no one likes very much.  Problem solved : )


(OH boy! Threaten the one other person besides you who cares enough about this to be scared that you won't order the peanut butter filled pretzels!! Give me a fucking BREAK!)

After some deliberation, H and I decided that Bozo, herself, is in fact the notorious pretzel thief. We came to this conclusion based on the following:

  • According to the other email respondents, no one knew these pretzels existed in our office.
  • One of these people has an office right outside the kitchen
  • On Bozo's desk is a jar filled with these elusive "carmel cream candies", Bozo's desk is actually in the reception area, which is a separate part of the building from where everyone else is.
  • Even though we supposedly have a "snack budget" - it seems that snacks are purchased sporadically. We have gone several months without any snacks in the kitchen from Staples. Either that, or they are purchased regularly and not put in the kitchen... hmmmm.
So I have solved the great mystery of the Pittsburgh Office Snack Thief, can I have a peanut butter pretzel???