People aren't creative enough, especially with insults. I mean, yeah, asshole has it's place, but could anything be more insulting (or funnier) than fucktard? I mean, try it, when some dude who is bigger than you is hurling insults and getting ready to pound your face into the ground, just call him a fucktard. He'll either be so confused or so overwhelmed with how completely hilarious that word is, he'll forget all about why he wanted to punch you and buy you a beer (or so YOU hope anyway, I have never tried this method because I don't have a ridiculous amount of testosterone coursing through my veins causing me to get drunk and pick fights with guys that are bigger than me. Maybe you are the fucktard?)
Let's move on to an oldie but goody: fugly. You guys remember fugly!! Like, "omg, those plaid shoes are so fugly!" Fugly stands for Fucking Ugly. Yes, capitalized. It's an extreme statement of how hideous something is. Now, normally, I am not a big fan of not saying fuck when it's incorporated into something. Like "It's so effing hot out here!!" No, it's fucking hot, say it. However, fugly is a great term for those times when the F-bomb is not appropriate. However, I would like to propose a new use for this term. I happen to like my plaid shoes, so if we're going to call them fugly, I'd like it to mean fantastically fucking ugly. Like saying "your plaid shoes are so ugly they are awesome!" (BTW, nothing in leopard print will ever fall into this category)
Asshat is another favorite. Why? Just say it. "You're an asshat." It's insulting because no one has any fucking clue what it means. I mean, what's wrong with hats? If I called you a hat, would you be insulted? Probably not. Adding the word ass in front makes it insulting. It's one thing to just be an ass (and, I mean, let's face it, that could be a compliment. What if I am a nice, well rounded ass that fits snugly into some low rise jeans? That would be like calling me sexy). But an asshat? Is that like a hat so ugly I'd only wear it on my ass? Is it a hat you wear on your ass like a diaper? Maybe a diaper that has pictures of hats on it? Excuse me while I go shop for panties with hats on them, so I can say I have an asshat.
On to one of my personal favorites: Dickfur. You are the fur on a dick. I have never personally seen a furry dick (the fur, as far as I know, shouldn't be on the dick), but I would imagine it's pretty fugly (and not in the Trbobitch meaning). I don't use this insult on just anyone. There is a very special person that this one is strictly reserved for. The Ex Husband. Maybe because I first heard it from him. So thank you, Dickfur, for giving me the perfect nickname for you!
So next time Bubba tries to make you eat pavement, just call him a fugly, fucktard asshat. You're still going to get a couple of teeth knocked and and spend the night in the ER, but you'll make someone laugh, and laughter is good for the soul. Besides, you might get a hot nurse and a painkiller buzz. And remember, chicks dig scars.
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