Sunday, October 31, 2010

Open Letter to Brett Favre

Dear Brett,

I probably should have said "Dear Mr. Favre", but I have drooled over enough pictures of you for me to believe we are on a first name basis. Also, you have done something that should remove any expectation of formality you had from anyone. I know, Brett, you probably get a hundred letters a day from people foaming at the mouth saying "how could you do this!?", you're about to get another, but, please, read on, I promise you haven't received one like this.

I'm sure your wife is as lovely as a sweltering summer's day and this girl you hit on is as innocent as Pee Wee Herman playing doctor at a child's slumber party, but I don't really give two shits about them. I am not going to rail on you for cheating on your wife (cause, you know, let's face it, I'm sure this isn't the first time... Kudos, though, on not getting caught before now). I would have gladly gotten naked with you at one point in my life, with no regard for her feelings (sorry, Mrs. Favre - see, SHE gets some formality here). I'm not going to rail on you for your choice of flirtations (although, it might have been better to choose someone like me, who doesn't have a failing TV show and stands to gain nothing but humiliation from outing you).

No Brett, I am not going to do those things. I am only going to tell you, Brett, that I am Disappoint. You see, I looked at the pictures you sent to this girl and all of my hopes and dreams of one day meeting you, jumping on top of you and having monkey-like acrobatic sex with you were shattered. Seriously, you would have done better to send her a picture of the guns and not the water pistol. Now, I will give you this, it certainly wasn't in all of its erect glory, and we all know how that goes right? I'll even give you that you somehow lost hot water in your house (how much do you make a year? I mean, I know times are tough but a couple of mil isn't enough to pay your gas bill??) and you had just gotten out of a cold shower. That being said, though, WHY choose that time to take pictures of Mr. Winky and actually send them to someone?

C'mon, you know this chick works for the NFL, right? You do realize that you are probably not the first player she has had intercourse interactions with, correct? You do realize, given the racial dynamic of the NFL, and the implications of said racial dynamic, that it is statistically probable that she has had these interactions with a man whose Mr. Winky is at least slightly larger than yours, even flaccid, RIGHT??? Brett, what were you thinking???

I could lecture you about the proper way to be famous and cheat on your spouse with a younger, hotter member of the opposite sex (or same sex, whatever you're into), but I won't, because you have gotten away with it up until now so you obviously know the rules of playing that game. I will commend you for that and chalk this little incident up to you maybe thinking that this girl was totally worth taking the risk, or maybe you were high on meth (which would also explain certain other anomalies here).

I just want to close this by letting you know that if I ever see you, my plans of attacking you with acrobatic monkey sex are off the table. These plans are now exclusively reserved for Bruce Willis. I won't even shake your hand, because then I will have to think about how a certain something fits in that hand, barely peeking out over the top.

Yours in Disappoint,

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