Monday, November 8, 2010

It's The End of The World (As We Know It...) No, Really, The World Is Going TO END!

First, watch this...

(Confession: Some of you who aren't friends with me on Facecrack may be wondering about my "unladylike obsession with politics" - at least, I assume you would wonder because I assume you actually read that part, which is probably completely wrong, not to mention self-absorbed and so now you're probably wondering WTF I am talking about. My Name Is Amanda And I Am A Nine-Eleven TRUTHER. I know this might bother some of you, but I promise this post is actually making fun of conspiracy theories and not pushing them, so read on.

To my Conspiracy FACT friends: You know I love you, but remember that it's awesome to make fun of yourself. Don't send me hatemail or I will send Freemasons after you. They will sacrifice you to Reptilian Overlord Cheney.)

So I get a call from Hot Bald Guy, he informed me that he was just calling because it might be the last time he ever talked to me (he may have even said something sweet or romantic, but it was lost on me because I was trying to figure out WTF he was talking about and how I wanted to spend my final hours and how I was going to leave this Earth not having posted a blog about it). Then he asked if I saw "The Simpsons thing on Youtube". That's when I found out the world was ending. I have to admit, I was kind of relieved. I mean, am I the only person who sometimes thinks this whole "life" thing is getting old? Work, sleep, Facecrack... One can only do that for so long before it gets painfully monotonous.

I decided that the best way to die would be in the midst of drunken debauchery and since the world was ending, naturally there would be parties. I was even thinking that maybe I would try acid or even heroin, why not? It was going to be FAN. TAS. TIC. Unfortunately for me, Hot Bald Guy and I were the only ones who actually believed the world was going to end, consequently, there were no parties. It seems that, even in the midst of the end of the world, people still were doing things like helping people move and getting married. Is this what our lives have boiled down to? This is WAAAY too much responsibility for my taste.

I mean, this was quite possibly the last day we had to live and people were so concerned about being responsible that they attended the enslavement marriage of two people they probably barely know (or like) and I'm sure they also spent a ridiculous amount of money on a super-deluxe crockpot (which will be returned, possibly for crack money), all because they thought that maybe there was a chance that the world wouldn't end. They could have been drunk doing heroin with me instead of getting hit on by the bride's middle-aged aunt who thinks she's a cougar but is actually an alcoholic insomniac who looks to be about 67 and has bulges coming out of her too-short leopard print dress where normal people shouldn't have bulges. It sucks to be them.

As it turns out, I couldn't actually get my hands on any heroin (or acid), but there was mead. LOTS of mead. And we watched (part of) Excalibur, which happens to be the greatest movie of all time. How many other movies do you know of where a chick is getting banged by a dude in a full suit of plate mail armor? Zero, that's how many. The only thing that could possibly be more awesome than watching Excalibur would be doing so while tripping on acid (I don't know about heroin, I've always kind of figured you get totally FUBARed on heroin and can't actually understand or enjoy anything... except maybe cutting yourself or some other thing that probably sounds like a good idea when you're high on heroin but really actually isn't a good idea?).

So we had a total End of The World two person geekfest. And the fucking world didn't end (and now I'm glad I didn't do heroin because I would probably have been sitting at my desk "tweaking" for a "fix", then I'd eventually start putting needles in my own arm and nothing freaks me out more than needles except maybe clowns and cicadas).

But guess what???

The End of the World is STILL ON! Yes, you heard me! Evidently, the person who made that video didn't take into account how clever and sneaky and downright tricksy those Illuminati Freemason Satanic Reptilians can be:

"Tuesday 11-09-10 would be the perfect bookend to Tuesday the simpsons clip again, turn the clock upside hand still points at the 11, the other hand now points at a 9...not out of the woods yet. The Illuminati LOVE Tuesdays..."

And it makes sense. See, they're not just going to put it right out there this time. No, no, this time, they expect you to do a little thinking and while you were busy being hypnotized by the Masonic checkerboard, you forgot to use your critical thinking skills. See, if you turn the clock upside down the date becomes 11/9, which is just 9/11 but backwards!! I know what you're going to say... "but then the year becomes 01 instead of 10!" Yes, exactly! This is where you further take advantage of those critical thinking skills and say to yourself "but wait, 2001 has already passed. Certainly the Simpsons aren't that Nostradamus (I totally spelled that right the first time without spell check, because I am awesome!) to predict something that will happen in 91 years. So, they must want me to turn the clock over again!".

I'm still trying to figure out why Tuesday is significant. It's Senior Citizen discount day, so maybe they will be nuking the Eat n Parks?? I wonder what the Illuminati have against old people? I mean, I don't particularly care for them... They blow their noses loudly and smell like moth balls, but that's really no reason to nuke them...

So, my purely platonic fellow accomplices in world domination, the End of the World is BACK ON! Anyone know where I can purchase some heroin (and/or sweetmeats)?


  1. Can't stop laughing!

  2. Well, I hope the guy I quoted in here feels the same way. I have a sneaking suspicion he is truly serious about his assessment of the Simpsons and truly believes the Illuminati are going to blow up Senior Citizens tomorrow... (ok, I made the part about Senior Citizens up, but that's only because I don't understand the obsession with Tuesday...)

  3. Who knows? Maybe a tipping point was reached on the date in question? There could be much going on behind the scenes. View this on full screen and be ready to pause so that you can read the documents. Rather interesting I think... though I could be way wrong. But hey! If the world ends... or even just some part of it ends, it is what it is. No point in fearing it. Fear will not make it any more palatable. Thanks for your stark humor and completely unfiltered fingers. Refreshing even if you are wrong. Or right... I guess we'll see. At least you got to explore the idea with a Hot Bald Guy :)

    Check this out:

    1. Just want to comment here, ~13 years later, that I was not wrong. I was, in fact, right as always.

  4. Entire post was funny, once I reached the second half I could not stop laughing .. thanks for that.