I was driving to work one day in my Trailblazer (yes, MY Trailblazer that I was nice enough to let Dickfur have after the divorce). I was merging onto the parkway, into basically standstill traffic. I had my turn signal on and was creeping my way in front of a black Sunfire. The driver of said Sunfire decided they didn't want another car in front of them in the horrendous Pittsburgh traffic, because that would no doubt delay them by another 3 seconds and we just can't have that at 7:00 am. This person completely refused to let me in and laid on the horn relentlessly. I got in behind them (noticing the Ohio license plate which sufficiently explained the situation for me) and they proceeded to slam on their brakes and stop in the middle of the road.
Now, you'll remember that I said this person was driving a Sunfire. I have nothing against Sunfires, I have owned 2 of them, but let's face it, Sunfires are chick cars. I was expecting a girl to get out (not that I was expecting this person to even stop or actually get out of the car at all), maybe a large, toothless thing with a bleach blond mullet... Nope, it was a dude (and I use the term "dude" loosely). I'm not exactly sure what kind of look he was going for, it was somewhat of a cross between grunge hipster/popped-collar guido wannabe/I'm-a-white-boy-badass-gangsta-and-I'll-bust-a-cap-in-yo-ass-biotch. He was about my height (5'6") and I probably had about 20 lbs on him. He proceeded to walk menacingly towards my car, doing his best to look intimidating despite his slight stature and obvious fashion/identity confusion.
At this point, far from being afraid and intimidated, I couldn't help but bust out laughing (and he saw me, which pissed him off even more, I'm sure). As he approached, I waved him away, still laughing. He was standing outside my window yelling, which made me laugh even harder because he wasn't exactly tall enough to make eye level with me in the Trailblazer, so I felt like I was being yelled at by a disgruntled circus midget named Slim Shorty. Unfortunately, I was so amused and completely baffled by this person, I missed my chance to pass his parked car on the shoulder and get in front of him (which, thinking back, is probably a good thing, because he probably would have followed me so he could bust a cap in my ass). Once he got back in his car, having achieved nothing but wasting 30 seconds instead of the 3 it would have cost him to let me in, we started moving and for the next mile, he would slam on his brakes at regular intervals.
Now, if this doesn't demonstrate how confused, retarded, fashion-impaired and gay people from Ohio are, I don't know what else to tell you.
The only thing worse than people from Ohio are people from Pittsburgh in Ohio (except for me, and Hot Bald Guy, because we're awesome no matter where we are). Especially if said people are drunken Steelers fans. Case in point, Crazy Blond Lady.
Hot Bald Guy and I went to a Steelers bar (yes, there is such a thing, they exist in pretty much every city in the country, Steelers fans are crazy and everywhere) to watch the game, since we were in gay-ass Ohio and they don't broadcast the Steelers games when the
I'm not sure if she was already drunk at 1:30 in the afternoon or if she was just completely insane, but one of the first outbursts we witnessed was her yelling at the guy across from her to shut up and quit looking at her, that she wasn't talking to him and his Browns shirt.
The next incident involved me going into the one toilet bathroom, locking the door behind me and being greeted by big yellow hair and expressions of "we're WINNING!!!" while washing my hands as Crazy Blond Lady busted through the locked door. She then proceeded to drop drawer and pee before I had left the room. Thank goodness there was a short stall wall separating me from seeing whatever horror was beneath her skin tight stretchy jeans.
At some point towards the end of the game, it started to get exciting and, with inclined alcohol levels, Hot Bald Guy started encouraging Crazy Blond Lady by helping her sing some sort of Steelers song from across the bar. From that point on, she expected us to join in her crazy screaming and ramblings, and she scolded us loudly when we didn't. Unfortunately for her, we were too busy discussing the mechanics of drinking beer via your ass and blowing smoke rings from your nether regions.
Um, yeah, I'm just gonna end there.
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