Monday, November 15, 2010

Congrats, Retard, You Have Butchered The English Language

Ok, before you get sand in your vaginas (which spell check says is not a word... Vaginai?? Vagini? Vaginis? Vaginuses? Whatever spell check, you suck, vagina CAN be plural!! What do gynies look at all day? VAGINAS!), I know that every person on the face of this planet has bitched about this. Every comedian and opinion writer has covered the topic. I'm not being original here, I get it. The difference is, these people aren't me and they probably have not incorporated female genitalia into their rants. That's all I need to say.

I also understand that this makes me fair game for grammar nazis in their parents' basements all over the world... But I will gladly take one for the team. I will just send Dick Cheney's Reptilian demon cat to suck their souls.

We'll start out by making fun of the fact that I used to say pinoculars instead of binoculars. I was also 5 years old at the time. There was also the time, much more recently, that I said "mazel tov cocktail" instead of "molotov cocktail", but let's just pretend like I was talking about a Jewish alcoholic beverage instead of an incendiary device, k? (A bottle filled with petrol probably won't bring good luck but a martini glass filled with absinthe just might... Unless you plan to use it as an incendiary device, in which case I beg you not to use absinthe, that would be a waste of good alcohol) I am not immune to making the occasional spelling/grammar error or Freudian slip, but there are wonderful things in this age of technology that can prevent that.

Spell checker is a not-so-recent invention, yet so many people seem to not know of it's existence. You see, "vaginas" is not underlined in red when I am typing because Blogger thinks it's cute (or offensive), it's underlined in red because, evidently, there is no plural for the word "vagina" and the application thinks the word is misspelled. Now, I am smart enough to know that "vagina" absolutely must have some plural form, so I am ignoring the bastards who created this particular spell check dictionary and moving on with life. That being said, when your spell check underlines "rediculous", it's because the word is spelled RIDICULOUS - you know, as in: deserving of RIDICULE (much like the people who continually type rediculous). I don't care how much you think the word is spelled with an "e" and looks better that way, you are wrong. (Incidentally, the correct plural form of vaginas is vaginae and spell check confirms this, who knew? The Internets does indicate that vaginas is also an acceptable form of the word, so fuck you, spell check!)

There is no better way to make yourself look like a complete idiot than to fuck up the use of their/there/they're. It's amazing how many educated, intelligent grown men and women do this, consistently. It's very simple: If you're referring to a place, it's there. If you're referring to people, it's their. If you can substitute the words they are, then you're safe to use they're. Please carefully ponder the fact that I just taught you first grade English and contemplate the worth of your life. Now that you know this, do you understand how completely retarded it sounds when you say "I'm not going in their!!"?? Not going in their what?? Their house? Their sadistic chamber of torture? Their vaginae??

Unfortunately, in the case of such word misuse, spell check cannot help. There are only so many things spell check can fix, and your retardedness is not one of them. Just like when you say thing like "that don't make no sense" and "I seen that last Nascar race" (similarly, if you watch Nascar, that's enough reason for you to seriously question your own existence). Now, I'm not an English teacher so I am not going to get into why these things are wrong, I'll only tell you that if you actually say something like that and it doesn't make your ears bleed, you should probably move to West Virginia and find yourself a nice trailer.

If you are guilty of these things, please find the nearest elementary school and ask them if you can be enrolled in some English classes. Chances are, they will probably think you're a pedophile, but once they hear you say "I ain't be no pedo!", they'll surely realize that you are just retarded and get you in ASAP.


  1. Vaginae? The word is Latin, so this makes sense: the plural of alumna is alumnae, as in the "alumnae [not alumni] of Smith College"--Smith being an all-women's institution of higher yearning (sic). I would probably write "vaginas" nonetheless.

    What gets my goat is "chaise lounge." Yes, it's a chair for lounging, people, but the word in French is "chaise *longue*," as in "long chair." If you're going to affect to continental sophistication, make sure you get the terminology right.

    Also, why in the hell is marquee, which has an accent over the first "e" pronounce MARK-ee and not MARK-ay, when lingerie, which has no accent over the final "e" is pronounced LANJE-ur-ray instead of LANJE-ur-ree? Given the prevailing imbecility, it's small wonder these United States are saddled with Lincoln lovers, drug laws and the heartbreak of NATO zealotry.