Monday, May 2, 2011

Osama Bin Dyin'

So we finally killed Osama Bin Laden.... Again. Yes, you heard me. This isn't the first time Mr. Tim Osman has kicked the bucket. This guy's got more lives than a Hindi cat channeling Jesus. Considering he's died like 15 times, THREE times in 2002 alone, I'd recommend that Der F├╝rher Obama (Barack, not Osama, no overt allusions here *cough* Faux News *cough cough*) not start hoisting the "Mission Accomplished" banner just yet. Seems that Mr. Bin Laden is channeling Bowser (or King Koopa, that thing's name seems to have changed from the days when I played Mario Bros.), no matter how many times you make it through the castle and kill him, he's always waiting at the next one, still hiding the princess.


Next is the question of WHICH Bin Laden has been killed this time... See, it seems this guy has at least one other "twin" who really doesn't even look like him. We've got the traditional grey bearded Osama and the more metro-sexual black beard (Just For Men FTW!). Then we've got the fat nosed and the skinny nosed... of course, I'm sure it's the same guy who just got punched in the face by a bad-ass American Marine, who didn't bother capturing or killing him then. Or maybe that happened one of the times they "killed" him but he was then resurrected by Mohammad, who couldn't be bothered with making him look the same... I mean, that works out in their favor right? Cause you know, those dumb Americans will believe anything and they will be so busy calling the people who actually pay attention "crazy conspiracy theorists" that they totally won't notice that the new Bin Laden is right-handed even though he is listed as left handed.

Conveniently, after not even 24 hours, we couldn't find anyone who would bury Bin Laden (I mean, what respectable, America-hating Mosque would want to bury a the Martyr who single-handedly abolished Western infidel freedoms in their backyard!), so we decided to just dump his body in the ocean. This will surely not spark outrage amongst the evil terrorists, considering they are fanatical Muslims, but would be totally ok with their leader not being given a proper burial. There surely won't be any blowback from this! In fact, they'll be thanking us, those sand-dwellers, for giving him an awesome funeral. I've always wanted to be buried at sea, haven't you? And it's also saving them tons of money on funeral costs... It's not cheap to die these days. Damn, we're just a bunch of fucking stand-up guys, aren't we?

So we're all happy this guy is dead, right? I mean, why not? He was responsible for 911, even if  the FBI's Most Wanted listing of him makes no mention of this. I mean, he's only responsible for the biggest act of terrorism in the history of the US, I don't really see any need to mention that in his fugitive credentials, do you? Now we can all cheer because we've spent about $1.2 Trillion dollars, killed hundreds of thousands of people and "showed those fucking camel jockies that you don't mess with the US!"

Remember, this is a never ending war, much like the War on Inanimate Objects Drugs, until we get rid of ALL the drugs, we haven't won. Don't forget, these people hate our freedom. The government was kind enough to pass the Patriot Act. That's the one where they store our freedom in a locker (much like they did with our retirements in the form of Social Security) to keep it safe for us so the terrorists can't steal it. Don't worry, you'll get your First, Fourth, Fifth, Sixth and Fourteenth Amendment Rights back just as soon as we rid the world of Jihadists.

This also means that terrorism has ended, right? And we can all come home now...? No? Well of course not, you idiot! Now all the terrorists are REALLY mad at us and if we don't kill them ALL, they will come here and rape our babies and eat our women! So while it may be a time for celebration, singing National Anthems and chanting "USA USA USA!!" like a bunch of brainwashed drones, we still have to send other people's kids to die fighting wars on transient verbs. It's ok though, because you can still play Facebook General and watch the blowing up of innocent sub-humans on your TV while you drink your piss-water, fluoridated beer and eat your GMO corn chips. Don't forget to wave your flag and yell "God bless the USA!! Turn that sand into glass!!" (because God, of course, blesses those who kill other people to steal their natural resources).


7 comments:

  1. Fucking AWESOME Amanda! You simply rock, girl!

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  2. Tell me something I don't know, (hopefully) handsome stranger.

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  3. loved it! i can't believe people are buying this trash. what a psy-op.

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  4. Awesome! Love your snark. Don't worry, we'll get Bin Laden again one of these days!

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  5. It is a great day for Oceania, Amanda. I sense that you do not really love Oh Brother. Bin Goldstein is dead. Long live Bin Goldstein.

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  6. Coming soon to a telescreen near you: Hitler du Jour #477.

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  7. I don't know whether to laugh or cry when I watch the crooked politicians and the Corporate Media twist themselves into knots trying to spin their bullshit...thanks Amanda...this was hilarious! Shared it.

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