Monday, April 25, 2011

Trbo Needs a New Ride

So I went to Philly this weekend.

Wait a sec, that's the most boring statement ever. First of all, none of you give a flying fuck what I did this weekend unless it involved strippers and heroin (if I tell you it did, will you keep reading? Because it may have involved drugs (not heroin) and/or panty flashes and butt cheeks (not mine)... so yeah, you probably don't care). So maybe if I rephrase that...

So I jumped in the End The Fed mobile and drove 90 miles an hour (or so) down the Tyranny Pike to an epic event in a city that is the epitome of all that is wrong with the state of Pennsylvania. (Not perfect, but better.) I was a bit nervous about making this trip because the ETFmobile isn't exactly a spring chicken any more. Plus, I was too lazy to get an oil change and get her inspected... I mean, never mind the fact that the oil hasn't been changed for about 4000 7000 10000 miles and the inspection was due last month, I was also travelling with my e-cigarette tackle box personal vaporizer supplies (so much cooler sounding) which include hypodermic needles and enough nicotine liquid to kill several orphanages worth of small children (meh, who would miss them?). I also never wear a seat belt and talk on my cell phone.

I can imagine, had I gotten pulled over (which I didn't because I have a fucking radar detector because I am fucking badass and every time I pass a cop I say "Trbobitch 1 - piggies cops Tyrants in uniform Guys who were bullied in highschool and use their position to exact revenge on innocent people Officers of the "law" 0 ZE-RO!") it would have gone something like this:

Officer of the "law": Ma'am, do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: Nope, I sure don't officer. It couldn't possibly be because my inspection has expired, I was going somewhere around 95 in a 55 - I'm not entirely sure because my speedometer always says I'm going either 115 or 20 mph - and/or I am on some sort of government watch list... By the way officer, you look dashing in that uniform, do you press it yourself?

Officer: Actually, I clocked you at 105 mph.

Me: Well, now that is interesting, because my radar detector didn't pick up your radar, so you obviously used some kind of unapproved "clocking" method which makes this entire situation null and void. Thanks for your time officer, glad I could help, I'll be going now.

Cop: Actually, your radar detector probably didn't go off in time to warn you because you were going so fast. Can I see your license and registration please?

Me: Well of course! You're in luck because I am a licensed driver without a stain on my record and I just so happen to have renewed my registration yesterday! It cost me extra because it was 6 months overdue, but I paid it because I am a good, law-abiding citizen like that! I even spend my days visiting old people! Well, my mom's not really old, she's only 56, but that still makes her a Senior Citizen, and I'm not really visiting her, because I live with her...

Cop: I will be right back, you just stay right here, ok?

Me: Considering my car is about to fall apart and yours is one of them there fancy "Police Interceptors", I don't think I can outrun you, so yeah, I guess I'm not going anywhere. Is it ok if I pick my nose while I am waiting?

Cop: *looks disturbed and walks away*

10 minutes later...

Oinker: Ma'am, I ran your plates and it appears you have a bench warrant for some parking tickets from 2005...

Me: What exactly is a bench warrant? Are you going to like, bench press me or something? Because I hate to tell you, I'm pretty heavy and your arms don't exactly look like you've been doing more than lifting coffee and donuts into your mouth, ya know?

Piggy: Ma'am I am going to let you go with a warning on the bench warrant, but I am going to have to give you a ticket for speeding...

Me: I don't really think I was doing 105.

Swine: You were.

Me: Ok well, we're pals, can we say I was doing like, I dunno, 70?

Kid who was bullied in high school: No, I don't think so... What do you have in that tackle box there?

Me: It's not a tackle box... It's a case of supplies.

Bacon boy: Supplies for what?

Me: My personal vaporizer?

Piggy: Are you asking me?

Me: Why are you answering my question with a question?

Oinker: Are those hypodermic needles?

Me: I'm diabetic?

Hammy: *sigh* Ok, look, here's what I am giving you, a ticket for a high speed offense, driving without a seatbelt, driving an uninspected vehicle and I won't bother with one for talking on your cell phone.

Me: Gee, you're awfully kind *bats eyelashes*

Officer: Well, I can see that you are obviously the most awesome person in the world and any chick with a tattoo like that is OK by me... Now just promise you'll pay your parking tickets, ok? Oh, and here's my Facebook, add me *creepy smile*.

Me: Uh, right....

Well, that didn't go too bad I guess...

So anyway, the ETFmobile is not in the best shape and considering the lack of preventative maintenance, it probably wasn't the most genius plan I have ever come up with to drive it 600 miles in the span of a weekend. It was actually going ok until I got to a stretch of the Tyranny Pike and my car started doing this bouncing thing. Like, I'm talking I felt like I should have been wearing a sports bra because I am doing jumping jacks on a trampoline kind of bouncing. I started getting nervous and looking at the other cars ahead of me to see if their cars were also bounding like Kenyan hurdlers over the asphalt. Unfortunately, no cars stayed ahead of me long enough for me to gauge their level of springing... I slowed to 80 mph. I saw other cars behaving like Chinese bobbleheads, so I figured I was ok.

When I arrived at my destination and actually had to make 90 degree turns, I realized that my car sounded like a medieval dungeon with all the fixins... There was a grinding sound that bore a striking auditory resemblance to a stretching rack, complete with a squealing, screaming prisoner (who was being tortured for high treason, naturally). I noticed these sounds were the worst when turning or stopping... So I figured I could make it back home ok, because there really isn't a lot of turning or stopping on the highway, especially at 97 mph.

Of course, I was right, and my car made it home. As soon as I pulled up to the curb, it collapsed in a heap of unrecognizable parts and twisted hunks of metal:

Ooops! Wrong one:

Ok, yeah, I totally made that up. Come on, would I really drive a gay ass car like that? Look at that thing! It's got, "my parents live in a trailer but still got me a car for my 16th birthday 9 years ago because I am a trailer park princess" written all over it... (Yes, NINE years!! Dammit! Shut the fuck up! I'm 25, motherfuckers!)

So anyway, ETFmobile gets looked at tomorrow. Might be time to retire her.... But it was totally worth it, because now I know how truly sexy grapefruits can be....

....I totally ninja'd this picture...

...and I look really hot in this one:

Even that guy in the background is like "Damn! Who is that lucky dude who looks like Adam Kokesh with his arm around that super HAWT chick?!?!?"

1 comment:

  1. I can't believe your still driving that car after all these years. I'd say time for a trade in for sure..