Rubbing your bald head does not mean I want to sleep with your grody ass. In fact, when you start throwing your weight around and acting like a douchebag, no amount of baldness would even make me want to look at you. Look, I understand that you're a Rent-a-Cop, but seriously, that doesn't make you anything but a loser who couldn't find a real job (no offense to other rent-a-cops). I only flirted with you because a. you're bald and I just can't resist a clean, smooth head and b. it's always tactical to be in good standing with the folks who can throw you out (not that I have ever been thrown out of a bar before *ahem*).Thing is, I know no man can resist putting his hands all over me, but you can't even use the excuse that you were drunk (and if you were, I hope you get fired), and no one hits on a security guard expecting (or wanting) to get laid. To further augment your douchebaggery, you proceeded to give my friends a hard time after I left (for reasons that cannot be disclosed without full security clearance), knowing by then that I would not be going back to your one bedroom "efficiency" slum-hole somewhere in the armpit of Vegas. Do everyone a favor and quit pretending like your job gives you any authority or social clout.
Thanks!
Trbobitch
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Dear Drunk Girls in Skimpy Dresses,
You got nothin' on me ;-) (But please continue to make me look even hotter by comparison)
Love,
Trbobitch
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Dear Swimsuit Manufacturers,
Please make a swimsuit that covers my boobs sufficiently. Seriously, this is getting ridiculous. It's one thing that I can't find shirts that fit properly, but surely there are swimsuits that will cover at least most of the side boob without hanging loosely from the rest of me...? Evidently not. You see, I like to leave a little something to the imagination, I like to reserve the knowledge of the color of my mammilla for special people, but apparently you think everyone wants to be like the girls mentioned above. Either that or you, like the shirt manufacturers, think that everyone under a size 20 has B cups or has silicone bosoms that don't give way to the pressure of tight synthetic fabric biting into them. WTF? All I want is a bathing suit fit for a 20 year old that covers my damn boobs! Please attend to this matter promptly and send me a free prototype.Sincerely,
Trbobitch
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Dear Voice,
Ok, this was funny for a minute, especially when I sounded like a phone sex operator. It's not funny any more. I can't yell at my kids, I can't talk on the phone, I can't sing in the shower and I can't tell myself how awesome I am when I look in the mirror. Come back. Please?
Missing you,
Trbobitch
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Dear Brain,
Stop getting fantastically bright and insanely labor intensive ideas. I know we could go far if we stuck to just one, but all this jumping around is leaving projects half-finished. I would appreciate if you didn't get any more "great ideas" until I finish the 200 things on your list.
Yours in genius,
Trbobitch
Dear Trbobitch,
ReplyDeleteI subscribe to A Word A Day (AWAD). One of the words of the day for November 2009 was "lentiginous." This led to a brief email correspondence with the mother of two redhaired young girls who, for some ungodly reason, deemed their freckles flaws. You can read that exchange here:
http://tonypivetta.blogspot.com/search/label/Lentiginous
As you can see, my central nervous system has organized sensory-sensual space-time data in such a way as to conclude redheads are disproportionately represented among the ranks of the "stacked." I don't know how much of the red in your hair is actually your own; to be sure, your complexion doesn't strike me as particularly lentiginous. Nevertheless, I find the fact you have trouble finding bathing suits that cover your boobs thrilling and delightful.
~Tony, your married, middle-aged, happy-he-has-a-full-head-of-hair correspondent
P.S. We have beautiful beaches in Michigan
Hilarious!!! I totally subscribed!
ReplyDelete