Ok, putting the random hilarity aside for a moment... Sorry guys, but it was inevitable, my brain just hasn't been in funny mode, but I need to write. So you're all just going to have to suck it up and play along.
Not to say this won't be funny, just probably not as funny.
I want to write about this because I see so many miserable people whose misery is caused by their spouse, significant other or lesbian life partner. Now, I'm not pretending to be Dr. Phil (he's the relationship guy, right?) or trying to say I have this shit all figured out, but I figure if I can share some of what I have learned, it might help someone (it will certainly help the rest of us who have to put up with your misery).
Things that will make your relationship fail:
1. Lack of and/or bad sex
You can go ahead and sit there and pretend like sex isn't important, and that's your problem. Sure, maybe neither of you want sex, and that's fine, but chances are your man is masturbating to large breasted, small waisted beauty queens getting it up the shitter while you're in bed with a "headache". Eventually, he's going to get sick of his hand. You giving in once every few weeks to keep him happy isn't keeping him happy, hate to tell ya. Laying there making token moaning sounds doesn't qualify as good sex, either. Then you're going to bitch when he cheats. WTF is wrong with you?
Yes, he just checked out that waitress, and yes, she is way hotter than you. You already know both of those things, so why do you bother fucking asking? Is he going home with her? No, he's going home with you and if you want to keep it that way, stop nagging him every time he does something as instinctual to a male as breathing. If you want to take it out on someone, go puke up that double cheeseburger you just ate, you pathetic fatass, then maybe you'll look like the hot waitress.
Remember when you were trying to catch a partner? Remember how you went to the gym and didn't eat double cheeseburgers (yeah, fatty, I'm talking to you again)? Remember how you showered and shaved your legs? You think now that you "caught" a man you can stop? That, my dear, is bait and switch. It's fucking FRAUD. If he proposed to a hot, healthy chick, he expects to be married to a hot, healthy chick, not a fat, lazy slob who doesn't want to have sex. And that is why he is checking out that waitress.
4. Controlling/Possessive behavior
Look, let's get one thing straight right now... No matter how much that ring cost you, no matter how much you "love" that other person... You don't own them. You don't own anyone, except yourself. You don't, and can't, control their thoughts, feelings or actions and when you try, you officially become a psychotic, manipulative freak. You don't have the right to dig through her purse because you are married. You don't have the right to read his text messages because you're married. Furthermore, if you feel the need to do these things, you have bigger problems...
Enough already! If you don't trust the person you're married to, WTF did you marry them for?? Seriously, are you that pathetic and unsure of yourself that you have to commit to spend the rest of life with someone you don't trust? What's going to happen when you're hanging off a cliff with a playboy bunny? Who's he gonna save? This goes back to #1... Are you giving it to him? Good? Or are you a jealous, controlling, manipulative bitch?? Well, let's all hope, for your sake, you're no where near the edge of a perilous cliff with a playboy bunny.
So, in conclusion, as you can see, I have this shit all figured out. Honestly, it's worked thus far. I just don't worry about it. You have to enjoy the person you're with, not sit around worrying when they are going to leave you or cheat on you... Don't give them a reason to leave or cheat on you! Retard! This shit is not that difficult, but it requires confidence in yourself, because, at the end of the day, you are all you have. You can't turn someone into what you want them to be, but you can turn yourself into whatever you want to be.