Wednesday, December 8, 2010

Open Letters: Vol. 1

When you write Open Letters to people like Brett Favre (Faaaaahhhh-v), they deserve their own post. Sometimes, though, things piss you off and you just need a quickie to express your vexation. Since I like to keep my posts fairly long, I decided to condense several open letters into volumes. Why am I even explaining this? It's MY blog! If you don't like it, go play in traffic.

Dear UPS,

Let me start by saying that I love you for delivering my many packages in a timely manner and not using them to play hacky-sack or dodgeball (as I am convinced the assholes at USPS do, because they are always late and wrapped in that plastic that says, "Gee, we're sorry we fucked up your stuff. We certainly hope it wasn't anything valuable, or fragile - as the box indicates with the big FRAGILE sticker, though we're sure that's just decoration. We'll be more careful next time. Maybe.").

However, I do have a HUGE gripe with you... Why, UPS? Why do you insist upon holding my package in New Stanton for a day (sometimes 2!!)?? You do understand that New Stanton is less than an hour away from me, right? I mean, I could see if it got there at 5:00pm... but they get there at 2:00 or 3:00am. You mean to tell me that you can't throw that bad boy on a truck (not really throw it) and deliver it to me that day?

I understand what you're trying to do. You don't want my expectations to be too high, because you guys are so fucking fast, but come ON... One more day isn't going to have me expecting to receive my packages an hour after they're shipped! Besides, you do realize that your tracking page shows me where my shit is, right? When I consistently see it sitting in New Stanton for a day or two, it makes me sad - and angry. Whatever awesome thing I am anticipating is sitting in the armpit of Pennsylvania, so close, yet so far away, instead of in my hands where I can admire it. How would it make you feel if I died that day, without ever getting to see whatever awesome thing I purchased, all because you decided to hold it in New fucking Stanton for an extra day? Not too good, I suspect (or maybe you would...).

I want to also add that I especially hate when you do this on Friday, because my package inevitably sits until Monday. Even though you do deliver packages on Saturday, evidently you feel whatever paltry thing I have is not worthy of being delivered until Monday. I am pretty sure it's a conspiracy to torture me. I get all excited seeing that my stuff made it to New Stanton by Friday until I look at the estimated delivery date and it's not until Monday. Then I spend the entire weekend in anxious anticipation of the item and distressed by the fact that I am spending my entire 2 days off without it when it is sitting in some shithole less than an hour away from me.

Why do you enjoy torturing me? Schadenfreude?

Going forward, please just drive the extra 40 minutes and bring me my stuff, k?



Dear Coworker (you know who you are),

Please work from home. Every day. If you can't do that, please stop turning up the A/C in summer and turning down the heat in winter. Seriously, I know you're old and chubby, but I thought old people were supposed to be cold all the time? Maybe if you would stop eating all that questionable Chinese Food, you wouldn't be hot all the time? Just please stop making me wear gloves at work, it's hard to type.


P.S. Please stop breathing like Darth Vader. I will buy you breathe right strips.


Dear Vodka,

I love you, don't ever change (being on sale doesn't count as change).

Your loyal consumer,


  1. Dear Trbobitch,

    Please write a letter to Stupid people. Stupid people chap my ass! And you have such a way with words... I know it would make me feel better to hear a good rant on this.


  2. Consider it done. Next volume of open letters... Or maybe that one will deserve its own post.

  3. Thanks!!!! Looking forward to it!