Let's talk about gross people. When I say gross people, I don't mean fat, ugly, stinky, hairy people who eat their boogers and wear spandex (we'll talk about them later)... I mean couples who make you want to vomit in your drink because, when they are out in public, no one else seems to exist in their world but the two of them. They're all hand-holding, face-sucking, snooky-wookying, OMFG-would-you-two-get-a-fucking-room and it pisses me off. No, I'm not jealous, I just think if you're going to be all over each other and ignore everyone else and the fact that they are trying in vain to hold down their lunch in your presence, you should just stay home and have sex til you can't stand to look at each other any more.
Seriously, no one needs or wants to hear your "I love yoooou" "I love you moooorrrre" "I love you the mostessst" waste of oxygen dialog. We get it, you love each other... Get over it, move on and talk about something meaningful you fucking kitten licking unicorn humpers. You can't eat love... and while the both of you were sitting there drooling all over each other, I ate your $50 filet mignon that you were going to share. Fortunately for me, you didn't notice; even though the only thing either of you has eaten for the past week is each other's face.
And why is everything "ours"? Why do you speak as if the two of you are one entity? Yeah, yeah, I get the whole "two become one" blah blah bullshit, but seriously... "we had to pop a nasty zit on our back before we got here, sorry we're late" is not only completely disgusting, it's entirely inaccurate. It's not your collective back... He has a back and you have a back. ONE of your backs was infested with said zit and ONE of you popped it. For fuck's sake!
My favorite is "we're on our period"... Ummmm, last time I checked, men don't have uteri and cannot bleed from their nether regions once a month (well, technically, I guess they could, but far from being the normal course of things, I'd say that would be a pretty significant cause for concern). Besides all of that, any man who would even want to own something like that has quite evidently been pussy-whipped into a state of complete patheticness and is an utter humiliation to the entire male species.
That shit gets old... It was already old for everyone else the first time they saw you together, it'll be old for you two soon enough. It will go from "My darling pookie-poo" to "you god damn asshat motherfucker!!" in no time. We'd all appreciate if you'd just stay home and boink each other's brains out until you at least get to the just calling each other "babe" part and spare the rest of us your disgusting, vomit-inducing, brain curdling infatuation fest. We all know you're going to be having knock-down, drag-outs over the color of the curtains and how often you no longer have sex in a few weeks.
In an effort to avoid this with the object of my affection, I solemnly vow to boink his brains out on a semi-daily basis for the next year or so. You're welcome.
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