Friday, December 8, 2017

I have the whole world at my fingertips and I am drowning in isolation

No seriously... what happened? Someone please explain.

I am sitting here and, suddenly, I lost like, I dunno, 7 years or so. When did I become old? I have a gray hair, big pores and, fuck a duck, I've gotten fat.

I was one of the cool kids, god dammit! Now I'm some stay-at-home-working-housewife-sex-is-a-chore-homeschooling-something-or-other.

I looked on the internet today. This girl I was friends with in middle school is dead. She's DEAD! WTF?!?! Not that I'm having a Golden Girls moment and making this about me, I'm not. In fact, I'm a lot sadder than I thought I would ever be over something like this. Granted, she'd had some brain tumor issue or something and was sick, plus, I mean, I hadn't even talked to her for years... But damn it hurt. It also makes me hate the internet age. I feel so disconnected from people. Fuck Facebook, let's go have a drink, see a movie, talk on the phone.

I don't talk to anyone any more. I try, I do... But I'm not on Facebook... Apparently people can't be friends anymore without their social validation loop software... Have any one of you ever thought about what this is doing to your relationships? Do you care? Was this just a way to turn your fake, codependent relationships into something lower maintenance? Doesn't matter, no one reads this any more because, oh shit! I'm not posting it on Facebook.

Go ahead, give them your info. Give them you, your thoughts, your "opinions" and I won't even bother with "your dreams". You have none. There is no such thing any more. Only social validation. You're a number, a ranking, a reflection of how many "followers" you have. You "like" people's crap because they like yours. It's all bullshit. It probably always was, but now we all have our big internet balls to hide behind.

Let's talk. Call me. For real, if you read this, and you know me, pick up your fucking phone and call me. Let's TALK!

Friday, September 29, 2017

It's Halloween!

Ok, it's not quite Halloween yet... But do you think I am going to be the loser sitting at home on the Saturday before Halloween writing blog posts? If you answered No, you don't know me very well. But I digress, let's pretend like I am not that pathetic, k?


So Halloween... Candy, scary decor, pumpkins, pagan sacrificial rituals and COSTUMES! The one time of the year you get to be whatever you want to be. (Unless you're like me and have a seasonal job that requires you to wear a costume to work and think that there would be nothing more completely awesome than being a pirate, which, of course, there isn't). Whatever you want to be, people!! I mean, think of the possibilities! When I was a little kid, for a short period of time, I wanted to be a nurse. I don't know why I wanted to do that... Blood, shit, needles... ugh. Maybe that's why I stopped wanting to be a nurse. I think, actually, I wanted to be a nurse because my mom was a nurse and when they asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up, I had no fucking clue, so I said nurse. Anyway, you would think this is leading to me dressing up as a nurse for Halloween, right? WRONG!! I didn't. Instead, I was a witch or a cat or some other stupid, uncreative thing that involved makeup. 


So where am I going with this? I'm not entirely sure, but between us, we'll get somewhere eventually. 


Ok, so you can be whatever you want to be. And, much like my story above, most people choose the standard, boring costumes or something that has to do with some stupid movie that was popular that year. Maybe this is lost on me because I never watch these movies and I always end up asking people "So what the hell are you supposed to be?" and I get these incredulous looks because, as it turns out, their costume is totally dead on for said movie and I probably should have figured it out by looking at the 15 other people dressed as the same thing - or at least realized there was something going on that I wasn't privy to and kept my mouth shut. 


Then you have the chicks. It seems that the favorite costume for Halloween is the prostitute, I'm sorry, Lady of the Sidewalk, outfit. Which is fine, the problem is, these chicks try to disguise these as different costumes. Like Firefighters or Pirates or even Nurses. Be careful, because you too could be unwittingly sucked into dressing like a street walker. I am going to let you in on a little secret I have discovered. You see, when you're shopping for a costume, you could be sucked into dressing like a hooker without even trying! I know, this is a huge conspiracy. Thankfully, I am here to put a stop to it. You see, many perfectly acceptable costumes are actually prostitute outfits. You don't want to be dressed like a prostitute. Here's how you find them:


1. First and foremost giveaway: the name of the costume includes the word "sexy". Now, some costume manufacturers will cleverly try to hide this by putting it in parentheses, ie. Cat Costume (Sexy) or (Sexy) Witch. This, to you - the smart, well-educated enjoyer of fine literature that reads my blog - should make it all the more glaringly obvious. Others will simply label it as Sexy Nurse or Sexy Maid. Other misleading terms include, but are not limited to: Diva, sultry, adult and in some cases, teen (?!?!?!?!)


2. The size of the package: This matters. Yes, as in most occasions, the size of the package matters and, when you're trying not to get picked up on a street corner (and other, obvious occasions) smaller isn't better. If your costume comes in a smaller package than your 4 year old's - especially if it includes a wig - you are about to attend that "kid friendly" party as a Lady of the Night. If the costume includes nothing but a wig and makeup, you're in serious trouble (or you're going to get propositioned for a "movie" role, in that case, Congrats! if you're into that sort of thing).


3. Is it something a woman wouldn't normally dress up as? If this is the case, please check your costume carefully. Women don't usually dress up as sailors, gangsters, convicts, cops or grunt level infantrypersons


That being said, ladies, if you really want to be a prostitute, then your choices are unlimited. Otherwise, feel free to write to these costume manufacturers and let them know you are on to their little scheme of selling you as little fabric as possible for an exorbitant amount of money and causing you to unwittingly portray that your highest aspiration in life is to become a Lady of the Sidewalk.

Red Bird

Slut Bird